The rescue of Moe Rudz from a North Korean prison may go down in history as one of the greatest dramas of the twenty first century. It couldn't have happened without the efforts of Mike "Hipshake" Farrelly. The Pucking Files sat down with "Hipshake" to get his story firsthand. This is Part 1 of his interview. Let us warn you; this interview may not be suitable for young readers or pregnant women.
TPF: Did you ever doubt that it would be possible to save Moe Rudz?
HS: I never doubted for even one fraction of a millisecond that we could bring Moe back alive. If you know the guys from Thursday Night Hockey like I do, you too would have no doubts.
TPF: Why do you think that you were chosen along with Mark Rudz to lead off this rescue attempt?
HS: My brother "Joe" had faith in us. He knew we went through a lot with the White Park Pond trial. We never broke under the strain of the interrogation and the trial. We didn't crack and that was why he knew that if we were caught by the North Koreans, we wouldn't divulge any information that may put the NAHL in harms way.
TPF: What happened on that night in July when you and Mark went out Gangnam style with the two young ladies who turned out to be North Korean spys Poon and Tang?
HS: It all started out pretty harmless. We decided to unwind by taking in a show in Seoul that featured hip hop sensation Psy. We met who we thought were two cute Jagermeister girls. They offered us some Jagerbombs. After a half dozen Jagerbombs and some break dancing, we ended up back at the Seoul Hyatt with Poon and Tang, a Hungarian sword swallower, two midget clowns and a woman that trained poodles to jump through hoops. It was crazy. The next thing I knew, my alarm was going off at 4 a.m. and I was on the bed next to a dead emu with a guitar string wrapped around it's neck and Mark was passed out on the bathroom floor. Someone had drawn Korean calligraphy on his forehead and chest with a magic marker. It was weird shit.
TPF: What happened that led to your plane crash?
HS: After downing a pot of Sanka along with some Little Debbie Cakes, we headed to the airport. The Knat was all fueled and ready for us to take off. Mark was behind the wheel and I was charting the course. We were in the air for about seven hours; deep into North Korean territory. I had just swallowed a handful of pain pills which I washed down with some Russian vodka. I was getting ready to take the wheel. Suddenly we heard a loud boom and smoke began pouring from the back of the plane into the cockpit. I grabbed the fire extinguisher and began spraying the fire that was raging out of control. Mark started yelling that we were losing altitude and that the plane wasn't responding to his controls. We realized that The Knat was going down and our only option was to bail out. I looked around and began grabbing whatever essentials I could; like a parachute, the vodka, pop tarts, duct tape and that sort of stuff. Mark did the same. He put on the other parachute and grabbed the Jagermiester and the CheezWiz. By now the cockpit was so full of smoke that we blindly reached for whatever else we could get our hands on. Finally, Mark kicked the plane's door open and he said something that I'll never forget. He said, "If I don't see you sooner, then I'll see you later" and then he jumped out of the plane. I tried to go to the back of the plane and look for the copy of "Cat Fancy" magazine and some toilet paper , but the smoke was too thick and so I knew it was time to go. I sent a text to Joe and then I bailed out into a patch of clouds. After several minutes I caught sight of the ground below. I pulled open my parachute. I looked around, but I never saw Mark. I began to focus on the ground below and realized that I was headed into a forest of trees. I heard the roar of the engine and the plane crashing through the trees. My parachute got hung up on a tree and I was left there dangling through the night. Luckily I was able to get to the vodka.
TPF: How did you get down?
HS: The limb eventually snapped and I fell to the ground.
TPF: What did you do next?
HS: I began looking for Mark. I had yelled for him all night, but I never heard a response. I feared that he might be dead or that he might've finished all the Jagermeister and CheezWiz. I never saw any signs of him though. It was pretty cold so I built a fire and ate a Pop Tart.
TPF: Did you have a map?
HS: Yes I did, but, it was a map of Cape Cod.
TPF: What did you do next?
HS: I went to look for the Knat to see what I could salvage from it. After searching all morning, I came across the wreckage. It was pretty mangled and burned on the inside. I found a few things that were salvageable that might come in handy.
TPF: Like what?
HS: A screw driver, a bottle of Aquavellva after-shave, some dental floss, a package of marshmallows, a pair of knee braces, a bottle of Pepto Bismol and a pack of condoms. Suddenly I was feeling a lot better about my chances.
TPF: Did you believe that you would get out of the predicament that you were in?
HS: For a long time I believed that I'd get through it and that "Joe" and the Thursday Night gang would eventually find me. I headed west each day toward the Chinese border which I thought would be my quickest route out of North Korea. I was eating crickets, frog legs, ants, roots, berrys and tree bark during the day and toasting marshmallows by the campfire at night.
TPF: What about water? What did you drink?
HS: I drank out of streams, brooks and ponds. I took a swig of vodka each night. After the first week, I ran out of vodka so I started mixing the Pepto Bismol with Aquavellva. It didn't taste all that great, but it had a nice buzz. Eventually I ran out of that too and that's when things started to get weird.
HS: When I came to, I soon realized that I was a prisoner in a cold damp cell. I was chained to a wall of stone. Slowly the door to my cell opened. The light hurt my eyes. I could make out a figure moving toward me. It was a strange hybrid creature and it was smoking a pipe. I trembled with fear. I asked, "Who are you?" "I'm the Wizard", he answered. His voice sounded hauntingly familiar. "Are you the Wizard of Oz?", I asked. "No, I'm the great and powerful Wizard of White's", he replied. "Where am I?" I asked. "You're in Camp 22", he replied. "You have got to get me out of here!", I pleaded. "I will get you out of here if you promise me that you'll lead "Joe" and the Thursday Night gang back here to save Moe", he said. "I will; I promise I will", I told him. He blew smoke in my face and said, " I have four items for you and you must listen carefully to what I tell you to do with them", he said. He snapped his fingers and a compass appeared in his hand which he handed to me. He then conjured up a golden hockey stick, an emerald puck and a pair of ruby skates. "Put on these skates", he demanded. "Take this hockey stick and puck. When you get outside this prison camp, you are to take out the compass and skate due west. I want you to push the puck in front of you until you come to a giant shimmering goal. You will have but one task left." "What is that Oh great and powerful Wizard?", I asked. "You must get the puck past the goalie who guards the goal." "But, what if I don't get it past him?", I inquired. "Then you will spend the rest of eternity in this prison cell", he warned. "How do I get outside to carry out this deed?" "Put on the ruby skates and lace them up", he demanded. "What about you? Will I see you out there?", I asked. He looked at me, it appeared, with his many eyes and said, "If I don't see you sooner; then I'll see you later". "Now, click your heels together three times and say, "I want to go back to Thursday night", he instructed me. So, I did that and miraculously I found myself on the outside of the barbed wire fence. I looked at the compass and faced west just as one of the guards spotted me and yelled something in Korean. He blew a whistle. I put the puck down on the ground and I began to skate. It was like magic ice that i could not see. I skated west for days on end, always pushing the puck ahead of me. On the third day I spotted a giant shimmering goal, just as the Wizard had described to me. It appeared to be close to one hundred miles away. It stood out like a mountain range. I pushed on throughout the day forgetting about my fatigue as my excitement grew. "What would this goalie be like?", I wondered. The closer I got, the smaller the goal appeared to be. Finally, as I got within several hundred yards of the goal, I took sight of the goaltender. He seemed of average stature in comparison to the goal. Would I shoot or would I deke? Should I shoot high blocker side or low glove side? All these options ran through my head as I got ever closer. I was now only about eight feet from the goal and I could see the goalie's face. It was Louie Chabot! Suddenly, I decided what I should do. Shoot it FIVE HOLE! I came right in and fired the emerald puck at Louie's five hole, BUT, I partially fanned on the shot and the Frenchman kicked out his leg before the puck could reach him. He slid out and crashed into me and I flew up and over him and the puck slid slowly across the line just inches ahead of me. A great red light filled the sky as my head hit the goal post and knocked me unconscious. As I regained consciousness, I could feel the wind and hear the sound of a helicopter roaring above me. The helicopter kicked up a cloud of dust as it approached the ground. Out jumped some brown men dressed in military uniforms. They rushed to me. They were speaking some foreign language. I was too weak to move. They picked me up and helped me into the helicopter and we took off. I was given an i.v. and all sorts of medical attention. They took me to a hospital in Calcutta. I rested in the hospital for a few days. I told all the nurses and doctors about my experience. A few days later, my brother Joe arrived at the hospital. The doctor told Joe that I had lost my mind, but Joe knew better. I told Joe that all he had to do was head due east from where the helicopter picked me up and he would come to Camp 22. So, we went back to Concord where Joe put the team together. They freed Moe and now everything is good again.
