The Pucking Files

Friday, September 23, 2016

The Back-to-School Issue

Its that time of year when we put away the fishing rods and put on our pocket protectors. If reading is fundamental then reading The Pucking Files is fundamentally important to fending off the onslaught of Alzheimer's disease, dementia and gout. In a survey taken by the National Association of School Teaching Institutions (NASTI), it found that people who read The Pucking Files were able to raise their IQ by an average of three points. The study also found that people who read the Concord Monitor were found with a drop in their IQ by an average of four points. It concluded that if a person were to read both The Pucking Files and the Concord Monitor then their IQ remained approximately the same. However, if a person read any articles by Ray Duckler then they already had dementia.
It won't be long before the puck drops for the opening night of the NAHL. The season will start with a rematch of last season's two finalist Blue and Green. Often referred to as "the greatest rivalry in sports", the Doug will be packed to the rafters once again as these two giants go head to head. It's time for a little history lesson. What many people don't know is that this rivalry is also the "oldest rivalry in sports" dating all the way back to the Byzantine Empire. This is true! You can look it up in any history book, but, you don't have to because The Pucking Files is the best source for information on important matters since information was first invented. After the decline of Rome in the third century,the Roman empire moved it's capitol to Constantinople (which is now Istanbul). The Romans brought their passion for sporting events that had entertained the citizens in Rome's infamous Coliseum. The Byzantines built their own mega-stadium called the Hippodrome. It was here that chariot racing reached a peak of fanaticism among the citizens of Constantinople. Two sporting clubs became so popular that they even had important political allegiances in the Byzantine capitol. These two rival factions were known as The Blues and The Greens. This is true and you'll find it in the history books as well as The Pucking Files (which is essentially better than the history books). At the height of the Byzantine Empire in 532 A.D. the rivalry became so heated that a riot broke out between the fans of the Blues and the Greens. It became so violent that the Emperor Justinian feared for his life. He ordered his army to quell the rioting fans and by the time it was over thirty thousand people lay dead in the Hippodrome. Justinian banned the Blue and Green sporting clubs from the Byzantine empire and chariot racing was also banned. Stories of the great rivalry spread throughout Europe in the middle ages. Eventually these accounts made their way to the Americas. It wasn't until the year 1882 that the flames of that ancient rivalry were rekindled on a frozen pond in Concord, NH. Since that first unorganized game, the rivalry has become heated yet again. "The Doug" has replaced the Hippodrome; Skates have replaced chariots, but the passions remain the same. Blue hates Green and Green hates Blue. Many times the Concord PD have been called to "The Doug" to restore peace on Thursday nights. Mayor Jim Boulay has often considered banning hockey, much like Emperor Justinian did back in 532. It seems that the mayor decided that it is better to keep the bloodshed inside "The Doug" than to let it spill into the streets of Concord, which it surely would do, if he were to ban the Blue/Green rivalry. City officials reached an agreement to close the arena doors to the "brutal sport of hockey" for half of the year in order to appease those citizens who prefer a more genteel form of entertainment (i.e.. the Cat Show, the Gem Show, the Model Train Show). Even the Gun Show was found to promote less violence than the Blue/Green rivalry. Senator Kelly Ayotte said, "I would prefer guns in the hands of citizens rather than hockey sticks." That statement will probably cost her the election since Blue and Green have such far-reaching political clout.
So, now that you've been schooled on the history of the Blue/Green rivalry; Go out an prove how smart you are by purchasing a season ticket to Thursday Night Hockey.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

NAHL 2016-17 Season Preview

The oldest hockey league in the United States;the NAHL will open up it's 133rd season on October 20th. The premier game of the night will feature Blue versus Green. It is often referred to as "the best rivalry in sports". This match- up dates back to 1883 when these two storied franchises played the first ever unorganized hockey game in the United States. Back then it was Black versus White; in the era before color was invented. Black eventually became Blue and White became Green. Since then some of the greatest players of all time have been inducted into The Legends of Thursday Night Hockey Hall of Fame. This year will be no different as the Hall is prepared to induct the largest class since it's inception.

Here is the list of players that will be welcomed into the Legends Hall this year. Dan "Lucky" Luker, Tom "Duster" Dustin, Greg "Moose" Moffett, Dan "Too Late" Early, Jeff "Hurricane" Kane, Brian "Big Tilly" Tillotson, Kenny "Don't You Love Em Madly" Bradley, Kenny "Rebel Without a Rebound" Dean, Clint "Eastwood" Cassavaugh, Chris "Brownie" Brown will be joining previous inductees Joe Farrelly, Jim Heath, Dave Tillotson, George Chase, Kurt Gillies, Greg Fournier, Vic Stanfield, Steve Potozak, Tom Carroll, Dave Palisi, Tom Bourgault, Toe Blake, Todd Philbrick, Tom Philbrick, Tom Champagne, Andy Bachmann, Ryan Brandt, Chris McGloughlin, Dunc Walsh, Mike Farrelly, Brian Smith, Jim Commerford and Tom Harrison. Everyone is looking forward to this year's induction ceremony. *Because of the unusually large induction class, players speeches must be limited to three sentences starting out with, "Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth". Due to time restraints, inductees may only thank one of the their parents. Under no circumstance are they to mention Tom Walton as a coach who helped them achieve their dream. Failure to mention Joe "Joe" Farrelly is an automatic one game suspension. Also, any player who refuses to stand for the National Anthem will be banished to the CCHL. It is our hopes that a scantily clad female model will hand out the awards, however, a fat guy without pants may possibly hand them out. Tickets for the event will go on sale on October 1rst.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Stuffing the Turkey

The Pilgrims may not have been thinking about hockey when they sat down for the first Thanksgiving, but we are thankful for the great tradition of Thanksgiving morning hockey at the Doug. It brings together people from as diverse cultures as the NAHL, the CCHL and the NCAA. The stands were packed for the holiday showdown. Mike Hayes told us that he stood in line all night in order to see the event. "I'm thankful to be able to get a ticket to this game", Hayes said. "The pace of the game is phenomenal and the skill level is through the roof", he explained. "The Thanksgiving morning game is like getting right to the dessert before the main course", said Tom "Philby" Philbrick. Tom skated on the All-Philby line which was a force all game long. Todd Philbrick cooked his famous chicken wings in the Doug parking lot. Kurt "Kaiser" Gillies was equal to the task with his barbeque ribs. By the time the players returned home, the Detroit Lions had already scored three touchdowns.
Black Friday is the day that all the new Black Ice apparel goes on sale. This year Black Ice apparel features a new line of lingerie. It's sure to be a big seller.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Loco Logo

The Black Ice Committee has selected two logos from thousands of entries from the contest to redesign the 1883 Black Ice Pond Hockey logo. "We've looked at so many great designs, but after careful consideration, we have narrowed it down to just two designs", said Chris "Brownie" Brown. "Ironically, BOTH designs that were chosen were submitted by the same person. We were unaware who authored the designs until after they were chosen. It just goes to show what great design sense this person has", he added. Both designs were submitted by Herb Danis of Concord, NH. One designs places a burning ninja cat in front of the bridge and the other design features two giant size knobs with faces on them. "I felt like we needed something that speaks not only to hockey enthusiast, but to "pussiasts (cat lovers) too. For my other design, I was addressing the issue of knobs. We all know one or two, so why not embrace it?", said Danis. "It's pure genius!", exclaimed Samantha Cumworth, the chairman of the Currier Museum. "Now comes the really difficult decision of which one of the designs to choose", said Tom "Painch" Painchaud, a member of the Black Ice Committee. The Black Ice Committee plans to announce the winner on New Year's Day during the Winter Classic. In the meantime, Herb Danis is already counting the $50,000 prize money that he is sure to win. "I plan on donating half of the money to "Pussy Galore" a charity dedicated to rescuing cats. It is a charity that I really believe in", explained Herb.
In other news, Green continues to show it's dominance in the NAHL by getting off to it's best start in franchise history. Blue has a lot of ground to make up if it has any chance of making the playoffs. They are off to their worst start in franchise history. Magenta is firmly entrenched in second place, while Chrome and Teal are tied for third.
In the CCHL attendance is down by 38% from last season while fighting majors are up by 73% compared to last season. Former league scoring champion Tim "The Timinator" Walsh is sidelined for a month with a broken hand that he suffered in a fight last week. CCHL commissioner Jeff "Hurricane" Kane is on the hot seat. Many are calling for Phil "Commish" Stewart to be reinstated as CCHL commissioner. It's desparate times in the CCHL.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Going Green

The NAHL regular season got underway on Thursday Night as Blue played host to Green at The Doug. Green coach Tom "Painch" Painchaud had his team ready to play. Blue may have been a bit distracted by the banner raising that delayed the start of the game. Green played the perfect road game. Bolstered by defensive pairings of Joe "Joe" Farrelly, Jim "Heathy" Heath along with Kurt "Kaiser" Gillies and Ryan "Silky" Brandt, Green stymied Blue for three periods. Kenny "Don't You Love Em Madly" Bradley was not stellar on this night, but he was good when he had to be and he made key saves at key times. Green added some speed to the front end by inserting Ken "The Roadrunner" McKinnen into the line up. He pressured Blue defenders all game long and forced them to turn over the puck time after time. Mike "The Little Cum" Commerford started the scoring off for Green with a goal just three seconds into the game. It was the fourth fastest goal in NAHL history. Blue coach Tom "T" Flanders made some puzzling moves on this night. Dunc "Coach" Walsh, Clint "Eastwood" Casavaugh and Jeff "Hurricane" Kane were a healthy scratch on this night which left fans scratching their heads. Flanders employed a puzzling strategy in the third period by having his team ice the puck all period even though they were down by three goals. "I was hoping to preserve the three goal loss", said Flanders. "Unfortunately, the plan backfired and we lost by four", he added. Blue also used the dump and watch strategy for much of the game. "Anytime we got an odd man rush we were told to dump it in and watch what happens", said Dan "Too Late" Early. What Blue watched was Jim "Heathy" Heath and Ryan "Silky" Brandt retrieving the puck and carrying it down the ice to set up scoring opportunities for Green all night long. The only bright note for Blue was the return of Jim "The Big Cum" Commerford who returned ahead of schedule from the horrific thumb injury he sustained during a pre-season game. Commerford was released from Concord Hospital just hours before the game. He played very well which is good news for Blue fans. In other action in the NAHL that night, Chrome smoked Chartreuse 8 to 1 and Teal pulled out a victory against Rust in the final minute of the game. Green coach Painchaud said, "I expect that Blue will be there come playoff time. This is a proud franchise and they will find a way to right their ship".

Saturday, October 10, 2015

The Big "Thumb"?

The NAHL pre-season ended on an ugly note as Green's Jim "The Big Cum" Commerford was rushed to the ER with a broken thumb sustained in the third period. It's just another chapter in the storied rivalry of Blue and Green. The two teams can't even take it easy in the pre-season. "We just don't like those guys", said Joe "Joe" Farrelly. Farrelly gave Green rookie Mike Pauquette a rough ride into the boards early in the third period. Welcome to the "Bigs" young fella! The game started getting chippy from that point on. "We were flat and that hit kind of sparked us", said Blue winger Clint "Eastwood" Cassavaugh. Minutes after Farrelly's thunderous check , Cassavaugh took Green defenseman Jeff "Hurricane" Cain hard into the corner boards. The two got their sticks up high and referee Phil "The Whistle" Lacasse gave them ten apiece. "I had to nip it in the bud before it got out of hand", said Lacasse. "These two teams do not like each other and it could get ugly real fast", he added. Moments later, "The Big Cum" was curled up in a ball on the ice. No one saw the slash, but most people assumed it was Dave "Tilly" Tillotson who was not dressed for the game. "It is quite possible that Tilly had his brother Brian whack Commerford", said Green defenseman Jim "Heathy" Heath. There is a long standing feud between the Commerford brothers and the Tillotson brothers that goes back to the 2008 playoffs. Green held off a late surge by Blue thanks to stellar goaltending by Kenny "Rebel Without a Rebound" Dean. The NAHL will start the regular season on October 22nd. There is a couple big games to circle on your calendar for that night. Magenta takes on Chrome, Teal hosts Chartreuse, but the one game everyone is waiting to see is Blue hosting Green at "The Doug". It is unlikely that "The Big Cum" will be ready for that game. He is not expected to be released from Concord Hospital until next Tuesday. It should be another great season in the NAHL!

Thursday, August 20, 2015

North Korea Takes Aim at Concord

City and state officials are tight lipped about the reported "sink hole" that engulfed the north bound lane of I93 in Concord yesterday. Traffic had to be rerouted around the Capital area and investigators pondered the situation. An insider source has informed The Pucking Files that the hole was not a sink hole as reported. It was the result of a North Korean missle that failed to detonate upon impact. North Korea had vowed revenge against those who had been involved with the rescue of Moe Rudz several years ago. Members of Concord's elite athletes from Thursday Night Hockey had risked their lives to rescue the billionaire publisher after he had been captured by North Korean troops when his panda safari lost it's way and ended up in the rogue republic. Kim Jung Il has called the missle attack revenge for the North Korean lives lost in the battle against NAHL volunteer forces. The White House and the Pentagon have not publicly responded to the claim. "It is quite clear that the real target was The Doug", said Joe "Joe" Farrelly, the president of the NAHL Players Association. With the Doug set to open in less than a month, a direct hit on the famed arena would have crippled the city's economy which relies heavily on revenues generated by the NAHL and CCHL. "God was on our side", said Kenny "Don't Ya Love Em Madly" Bradley after hearing of the conspiracy. As for now, city officials are still calling it "a sink hole".

We now continue with our featured summer story: Fifty Shades of Moe. The pirate's boat overtook Moe's boat and the Chinese pirates boarded the Filthy Pig without any resistance other than from Gus. Fortunately for them, Gus was so stinking drunk that his pistol aim was way off the mark. The pirates pistol whipped Gus until he was rendered unconscious. Moe and the others were too overcome with fear to do anything about it. The pirates plundered the Filthy Pig and took the passengers as hostages. Twenty minutes later,the vessel slowed down and one of the pirates began to chum the water with fish blood and guts. Moe was curious why they would be fishing after getting away with robbery. The pirates put their boat into neutral and soon sharks began appear all around the boat. Moe wondered why and soon his question was answered. One of the pirates began yelling in Chinese at the passengers. He pointed a gun at them and pointed to a gang plank that they had set up off the bow of the boat. The passengers were being forced to walk the gang plank into a feeding frenzy of tiger sharks. The first passenger was prodded to leap off the plank and in minutes he was attacked by the hungry sharks. One by one, the passengers met their gruesome fate. Moe wondered when his turn would come. Moe noticed a helicopter hovering above the pirate's ship. It kept circling about. One of the pirates fired a shot at it with his pistol. Now the pirates were starting to concern themselves with the helicopter. Others began to take pot shots at the chopper. The pirate captain yelled at Moe to get on the gang plank. Moe hesitantly got on the plank, suddenly a loud roar overwhelmed the ship. The helicopter opened fire on the pirates. All hell broke loose as the pirates fired back. Machine gun fire reigned down on the pirates. Moe dropped to his knees and hung on for dear life. If it were not for the sharks, Moe would have used the opportunity to jump into the water. The helicopter hovered down closer and under the cover of machine gun fire, they dropped a rope down to Moe. Moe grabbed the rope and the chopper pulled away with Moe clinging to the rope. Moe was caught in the cross-fire, but he managed to be pulled into the helicopter uninjured. When Moe finally became aware enough to look around, he saw Bill Clinton standing there along with some heavily armed soldiers. "You sure to manage to get yourself in some tight jams", Clinton said to Moe. "Mr.Clinton", said Moe, "You've saved my life once again". "I told you, my name is Frank Wiener. People often mistake me for Bill Clinton", he said. "How can I ever repay you Frank?", Moe asked. "You can start by describing all the juicy details about your sexcapades with the lovely jungle ladies of Borneo. Moe recounted his tale of the events that took place after his last encounter with "Frank". Frank told Moe that he was sorry to hear about him losing his johnson as a result of the viagra overdose. "I know a surgeon in Jakarta who specializes in penis transplants. I'll take you to see him. A week later, Moe was discharged from the hospital with a new ten inch penis and a new lease on life. Frank invited Moe to join him for a month of jet-setting all over the world banging women in exotic places. Moe declined the offer, knowing that he didn't really care for women and besides, it was time to get back to work.