North Korea Takes Aim at Concord

City and state officials are tight lipped about the reported "sink hole" that engulfed the north bound lane of I93 in Concord yesterday. Traffic had to be rerouted around the Capital area and investigators pondered the situation. An insider source has informed The Pucking Files that the hole was not a sink hole as reported. It was the result of a North Korean missle that failed to detonate upon impact. North Korea had vowed revenge against those who had been involved with the rescue of Moe Rudz several years ago. Members of Concord's elite athletes from Thursday Night Hockey had risked their lives to rescue the billionaire publisher after he had been captured by North Korean troops when his panda safari lost it's way and ended up in the rogue republic. Kim Jung Il has called the missle attack revenge for the North Korean lives lost in the battle against NAHL volunteer forces. The White House and the Pentagon have not publicly responded to the claim. "It is quite clear that the real target was The Doug", said Joe "Joe" Farrelly, the president of the NAHL Players Association. With the Doug set to open in less than a month, a direct hit on the famed arena would have crippled the city's economy which relies heavily on revenues generated by the NAHL and CCHL. "God was on our side", said Kenny "Don't Ya Love Em Madly" Bradley after hearing of the conspiracy. As for now, city officials are still calling it "a sink hole".

We now continue with our featured summer story: Fifty Shades of Moe. The pirate's boat overtook Moe's boat and the Chinese pirates boarded the Filthy Pig without any resistance other than from Gus. Fortunately for them, Gus was so stinking drunk that his pistol aim was way off the mark. The pirates pistol whipped Gus until he was rendered unconscious. Moe and the others were too overcome with fear to do anything about it. The pirates plundered the Filthy Pig and took the passengers as hostages. Twenty minutes later,the vessel slowed down and one of the pirates began to chum the water with fish blood and guts. Moe was curious why they would be fishing after getting away with robbery. The pirates put their boat into neutral and soon sharks began appear all around the boat. Moe wondered why and soon his question was answered. One of the pirates began yelling in Chinese at the passengers. He pointed a gun at them and pointed to a gang plank that they had set up off the bow of the boat. The passengers were being forced to walk the gang plank into a feeding frenzy of tiger sharks. The first passenger was prodded to leap off the plank and in minutes he was attacked by the hungry sharks. One by one, the passengers met their gruesome fate. Moe wondered when his turn would come. Moe noticed a helicopter hovering above the pirate's ship. It kept circling about. One of the pirates fired a shot at it with his pistol. Now the pirates were starting to concern themselves with the helicopter. Others began to take pot shots at the chopper. The pirate captain yelled at Moe to get on the gang plank. Moe hesitantly got on the plank, suddenly a loud roar overwhelmed the ship. The helicopter opened fire on the pirates. All hell broke loose as the pirates fired back. Machine gun fire reigned down on the pirates. Moe dropped to his knees and hung on for dear life. If it were not for the sharks, Moe would have used the opportunity to jump into the water. The helicopter hovered down closer and under the cover of machine gun fire, they dropped a rope down to Moe. Moe grabbed the rope and the chopper pulled away with Moe clinging to the rope. Moe was caught in the cross-fire, but he managed to be pulled into the helicopter uninjured. When Moe finally became aware enough to look around, he saw Bill Clinton standing there along with some heavily armed soldiers. "You sure to manage to get yourself in some tight jams", Clinton said to Moe. "Mr.Clinton", said Moe, "You've saved my life once again". "I told you, my name is Frank Wiener. People often mistake me for Bill Clinton", he said. "How can I ever repay you Frank?", Moe asked. "You can start by describing all the juicy details about your sexcapades with the lovely jungle ladies of Borneo. Moe recounted his tale of the events that took place after his last encounter with "Frank". Frank told Moe that he was sorry to hear about him losing his johnson as a result of the viagra overdose. "I know a surgeon in Jakarta who specializes in penis transplants. I'll take you to see him. A week later, Moe was discharged from the hospital with a new ten inch penis and a new lease on life. Frank invited Moe to join him for a month of jet-setting all over the world banging women in exotic places. Moe declined the offer, knowing that he didn't really care for women and besides, it was time to get back to work.