Ice Vice: Attorney General's Investigation Published

The U.S. Attorney General's office published it's report in the findings from the trial of the White Pond Duo and found incompetence may have played a large role in the case. The attorney general said, "In a country mired in recession and plagued by violent crime as well, the last thing we need is to prosecute middle aged men for ice skating on a pond that is eighteen inches deep. I am appalled and disgusted by this and had I realized the scope of this matter, I would have never overturned the Governor's pardon of the White Pond Duo." The report went on to site testimony made by city park employee "Earthquakes" Jacques (pronounced Jakes). The AG called the Earthquake's testimony "laughable". (Jacques seen in this photo with the city prosecutor trying to put out the fire that was lit back on december 10th.)

In his testimony, Earthquakes Jacques claimed that he personally used a device to measure the thickness of the ice on the morning of december 10th and it measured two inches. "What was the device?" a cross examiner asked. "My penis", Quakes said, "If the ice is over 2 inches then the goldfish can't nibble on it". The AG called this, "a disqusting and shameful waste of taxpayer's dollars". The defense attorney refuted the Quake's claim by saying, "If Mr. Jacques were to measure the ice by this method, it would mean that he got out of his truck, but judging from the indentation on the truck seat, no one could have possibly got off it for at least six months." The Attorney General also revealed that a background check had been done on the prosecuting attorney William T. Gote and it revealed that he was actually an actor in the Shakespeare Travelling Theatre that was performing at the Capitol Center for the Arts. "No real prosecutor wanted to waste their time with this case, so the city hired an actor at a fraction of the cost to play the role of a city prosecutor" (thus explains the silly goatee he was sporting). "To skate or not to skate; That is the question!"
When asked by the judge whether or not there would be a better method for determining the safety of the ice, an attorney from the defense team showed the judge and jury a photo of how the ice on Turkey Pond is deemed safe by a far more intelligent being than Mr. Jacques.

Yes, Barney the Golden Retreiver tested the ice on Turkey Pond on December 17th and found it completely safe for skating as well as ice fishing and ice dancing (while White's Park pond remained closed to the taxpaying public). It must be noted however that Barney graduated obedience school and Jacques did not. The Attorney General suggested that the city hire the brainy K9 to replace Jacques at the Parks Department. He concluded in his report by saying, "Skating is not a crime, it's a right."

Free to Go!

After hours of deliberation a federal court judge acquitted The White Pond Duo of all charges. Mike "Fake Hip" Farrelly and Mark "Rudz" Ruddy were accompanied by Thursday Night Players Union representative Joe "Joe" Farrelly as they exited the federal courthouse. Thousands of reporters awaited them on the courthouse steps clammering for an interview. Speaking on behalf of the Duo, Joe Farrelly spoke to a reporter from The Hockey News and said, "Our guys were confident that justice would be served. They just want to put this all behind them now and go back to their normal lives. They want to put their focus soley on winning the Black Ice tournament next season. That is all we have to say at this moment." The three pushed their way through the crowd and got into a limo parked on the street driven by Dunc "Coach" Walsh. They will be releasing a statement later in the week which The Pucking Files will be bringing you as soon as it is available.

The Stars Come Out at Night!

The Stars of Thursday Night came out last night for the fifth annual Thursday Night Hockey Awards banquet held at the Gas Lighter. Fans gathered outside to try and catch a glimpse of their favorite hockey heros as they entered the Lighter. Many of the stars stopped and signed autographs and posed for photos with the public. "It was a great night for hockey fans and a great night for a good cause", said Kenny "Don't you love her Madley" Bradley. The money raised went to a great cause that Thursday Night Hockey has supported faithfully over the years; Hockey Fights Obesity.
The MC for the night was funny man Willy Crystal who has been a fan of Thursday Night Hockey for years. The loudest applause of the evening came when the Vic Stanfield Award for MVP was announced. To the suprise of no one it was superstar Dunc "Coach" Walsh.

The awards were as follows:
"The Vic" Stanfield for MVP
1. Dunc Walsh
2.Andy Bachmann
3.Tom Carroll

"The Swoop" Cecil Lukern for Most Goals
1.Tom Carroll
2.Gregg Moffett
3.Tom Champagne

"The Leebo" Lee Blossom for Most Points
1.Todd Philbrick
2.Jim Heath
3.Dan Earley

"The Hugger" Burns Hovey for Best Defenseman
1.Kurt Gillies
2.Gregg Fournier
3.Jack Fraiser

"The Stuffy" John Stevenson for Best Goalie
1.Tom Harrison
2.Kenny Bradley
3.Kenny Dean

"The Dunny" John Dunn for Plus/Minus
1.Mike Commerford
2.Jack Fraiser
3.Phil Stuart

"The Lady Bung" for Sportsmanship
1.Gregg Moffet
2.Jim Haze
3.Dan Luker

"The Bud" Bud Lukern for Best Coach
1.Gary "Toe" Blake
2.Tim Walsh
3.Dunc Walsh

"The Goofy" Mailhot Brothers for Most Points by Brothers
1. Todd and Tom Philbrick
2. Jim and Mike Commerford
3. Mark and Moe Ruddy

"The Garbo" Mike Garafalo for Rookie of the Year
1.Mike Commerford
2.Dr. Rich Rosatto
3.Jim Haze

"The Red Onion" Ned Bunyon for Best Referee
1. Phil Lacasse
2. Cam Heath
3. Phil Lacasse (sober)

"Larry Flint" PSC Hustler Award
1.Mike Farrelly
2.Clint Cassavaugh
3.Tom Painchaud

"The Murph" Steve Murphy's 7th Player Award
1.Dave Palisi
2.Dan Earley
3.Tom Philbrick

"The Tatahead" Mike Tatro 8th Player Award
1.Jim Commerford
2.Jeff Kane
3.Ryan Brandt

"The Dana" Dana Lundeen for Most Fun in the Locker room
1.Brian Tillotson
2.Chris Brown
3.Kenny Dean

"The Dick Pinch" for Most Fun in the Shower
1. Tom Bourgault
2. Gregg Fournier
3. Mike Farrelly

"The Champ" Harold Simpson for Most Accurate at Throwing Empties into the Trash Can
1. Gregg Fournier
2. Tom Bourgault
3. Clint Cassavaugh

"The Kent" Kent Carlson for Most Penalty Minutes
1. Sean Ford
2. Dan Luker
3. Tom Philbrick

"It was great night and for a great cause said Jim "Heathy" Heath. When asked about Dunc Walsh winning "The Vic", Mike Farrelly summed it up perfectly, "What can you say, Dunc gives it 110% every shift of every game. He only knows one way to play and that is all out. He plays hard in all three zones. He's the first one in on the forecheck and the first one back on the back check. Even though Blue ended up losing out in game 5; if it wasn't for Dunc, Blue wouldn't have even been in the playoffs, never mind coming within one game of winning it all. Way back at mid season when Blue looked like they were out of it, it was Dunc who refused to give up and he told his teammates, "Climb on my back and I'll carry you to the playoffs" and they responded. He is a leader and an inspiration to young people. It's no wonder he is the face of Hockey Fights Obesity. We can all gain something by watching him play". I think Farrelly's sentiments are across the board for all players. "He's a work horse and a supreme talent", said Dave "Tilly" Tillotson. "You can't coach that", said Gary "Toe" Blake "you REALLY can't". "That is god given talent", added Dan "Too Late" Early. "If I could ask one thing of my son when he's learning to play the game", said Tom "Berg" Bourgault , that would be to model your game after Dunc "Coach" Walsh and you'll be a winner. Words of wisdom guys. We here at The Pucking Files hope all of you have a great off season AND remember to give it the ol' Dunc try in everything you do.
Don't forget to keep reading The Pucking Files coming out monthly from here until september. Next issue we will find out about the trial of The White's Pond Duo set for April 18th. We hope to see you there.

Change Coming to Thursday Night Hockey

Well, we knew someday it was going to happen, but no one expected it this soon. Thursday Night Hockey has lost it's time slot to Concord Youth Hockey. The 9:30 p.m. time slot has been a target of the youth hockey's midget division for some time now and after a tense meeting last week, the city decided to give the slot to the kids. What does that mean for Thursday Nighters? It means we don't get on the ice until 10:30 p.m. It is not what league officials were hoping to hear. Thursday Nighters are not happy campers. Yesterday they took their anger to the State House as players and their fans marched in front of the dome and demanded their right to skate at their usual time slot. Traffic in downtown Concord came to halt as thousands of hockey fans gathered to express their displeasure with the decision. As one fan said, "I live for Thursday Night Hockey, but I do have a job to go to on friday morning, so a 10:30 start time is unacceptable." The protest did not fall on deaf ears however. Thursday Nighters have an allie in the capitol and a powerful one at that. Governor Lynch overturned the decision with a stroke of the pen and the 9:30 p.m. time slot was returned to it's original league. "Hey look", said the Governor, "As long as I'm in charge Thursday Night Hockey will get what they need. These guys bring in huge revenue to this town and Concord should be grateful to have them. On thursday night I put all the paper work away and head down to The Doug to catch "the best" working their magic week in and week out." When word hit the street that Governor Lynch had overturned the ruling, the mood changed from anger to joy. One women with tears in her eyes summed it up perfectly, " I feel like I was given a second chance at life", she said. Another mom told us, " I didn't know what to tell my children; they dream of growing up to be a Thursday Night Star and I let them stay up late to watch the games and drink beer afterwards. They are usually a mess in school on fridays, but at least they go. If it got moved any later, I would probably have to home school them and give em fridays off to sleep in. Now, they will be able to get their education and earn a G.E.D. Thank you Governor Lynch!" The mob piled into the Barley House, Cheers and even the Gas Lighter. They partied until the wee hours of the morning. Governor Lynch declared friday "a snow day!" (wink). So enjoy your April Fool's day off Concord!

Another change coming to Thursday Night Hockey is a crack down on cheap shots to the elbow. Far too many of these hits have gone unpunished and league officials finallly took a close look at the matter that has been going on "way too long". After Jim "Purple Haze" Hayes was hospitalized with a cheap shot to the elbow, the league could no longer ignore what was shamefully "acceptable". "I don't want to point fingers", said Phil Lacasse who is the head referee for the league; "but, I was told to just let them play". Hazy is done for the year and that leaves a bitter taste in his mouth (which is above his elbow). "We can't tolerate this any longer",said Joe "Joe" Farrelly, a spokesman for the league as well a candidate for the Burns "Hugger" Hovey award as the league's best defenseman. "Our skill guys like Tom "TC" Carroll need to be able play with confidence that they're not going to get whacked on the elbow everytime they touch the puck", said GM Gary "Toe" Blake, the architect behind the champion Green team. "TC" won the Cecil "Swoop" Luckern award for most goals scored. Toe Blake is up for the Bud Luckern award for coach or GM of the year. "I think now that this ruling is in place, we're going to see a lot more scoring and that's what the fans want to see", explained Phil "The Commish" Stewart. So, goaltenders take notice. You'd better bring your "A" game next season!
On monday The Pucking Files will be announcing it's individual awards. Find out who will take home "The Vic" Stanfield award as league MVP. This and much more coming up this spring at The Pucking Files.