Ice Vice: Attorney General's Investigation Published

The U.S. Attorney General's office published it's report in the findings from the trial of the White Pond Duo and found incompetence may have played a large role in the case. The attorney general said, "In a country mired in recession and plagued by violent crime as well, the last thing we need is to prosecute middle aged men for ice skating on a pond that is eighteen inches deep. I am appalled and disgusted by this and had I realized the scope of this matter, I would have never overturned the Governor's pardon of the White Pond Duo." The report went on to site testimony made by city park employee "Earthquakes" Jacques (pronounced Jakes). The AG called the Earthquake's testimony "laughable". (Jacques seen in this photo with the city prosecutor trying to put out the fire that was lit back on december 10th.)

In his testimony, Earthquakes Jacques claimed that he personally used a device to measure the thickness of the ice on the morning of december 10th and it measured two inches. "What was the device?" a cross examiner asked. "My penis", Quakes said, "If the ice is over 2 inches then the goldfish can't nibble on it". The AG called this, "a disqusting and shameful waste of taxpayer's dollars". The defense attorney refuted the Quake's claim by saying, "If Mr. Jacques were to measure the ice by this method, it would mean that he got out of his truck, but judging from the indentation on the truck seat, no one could have possibly got off it for at least six months." The Attorney General also revealed that a background check had been done on the prosecuting attorney William T. Gote and it revealed that he was actually an actor in the Shakespeare Travelling Theatre that was performing at the Capitol Center for the Arts. "No real prosecutor wanted to waste their time with this case, so the city hired an actor at a fraction of the cost to play the role of a city prosecutor" (thus explains the silly goatee he was sporting). "To skate or not to skate; That is the question!"
When asked by the judge whether or not there would be a better method for determining the safety of the ice, an attorney from the defense team showed the judge and jury a photo of how the ice on Turkey Pond is deemed safe by a far more intelligent being than Mr. Jacques.

Yes, Barney the Golden Retreiver tested the ice on Turkey Pond on December 17th and found it completely safe for skating as well as ice fishing and ice dancing (while White's Park pond remained closed to the taxpaying public). It must be noted however that Barney graduated obedience school and Jacques did not. The Attorney General suggested that the city hire the brainy K9 to replace Jacques at the Parks Department. He concluded in his report by saying, "Skating is not a crime, it's a right."