The Hipshake Interview: Part 2

The Pucking Files sat down with Mike "Hipshake" Farrelly for part 2 of his candid interview. This interview may not be suitable for people with heart conditions or an overly active thyroid.

TPF: How much time elapsed before you realized that you were in dire straits?
HS: I lost all track of time after the second week. I ran out of all my rations and I was left to eat whatever I could find in the wilderness. I began getting terrible blisters on my feet and I developed a purple rash all over my body. I started to lose weight rapidly because I had so little food. To make matters worse; I got dysentery from drinking swamp water. My clothes were beginning to rot. I eventually boiled my boots and ate them. I was getting desperate, so I started trying anything that looked somewhat edible. I ate some ugly looking mushrooms and they must have been poison. I passed out for what may have been days or even weeks.
TPF: What happened when you regained consciousness?
HS: When I came to, I soon realized that I was a prisoner in a cold damp cell. I was chained to a wall of stone. Slowly the door to my cell opened. The light hurt my eyes.  I could make out a figure moving toward me. It was a strange hybrid creature and it was smoking a pipe. I trembled with fear. I asked, "Who are you?" "I'm the Wizard", he answered.  His voice sounded hauntingly familiar. "Are you the Wizard of Oz?", I asked. "No, I'm the great and powerful Wizard of White's", he replied. "Where am I?" I asked. "You're in Camp 22", he replied. "You have got to get me out of here!", I pleaded. "I will get you out of here if you promise me that you'll lead "Joe" and the Thursday Night gang back here to save Moe", he said. "I will; I promise I will", I told him. He blew smoke in my face and said, " I have four items for you and you must listen carefully to what I tell you to do with them", he said. He snapped his fingers and a compass appeared in his hand which he handed to me. He then conjured up a golden hockey stick, an emerald puck and a pair of ruby skates. "Put on these skates", he demanded. "Take this hockey stick and puck. When you get outside this prison camp, you are to take out the compass and skate due west. I want you to push the puck in front of you until you come to a giant shimmering goal. You will have but one task left." "What is that Oh great and powerful Wizard?",  I asked. "You must get the puck past the goalie who guards the goal." "But, what if I don't get it past him?", I inquired. "Then you will spend the rest of eternity in this prison cell", he warned. "How do I get outside to carry out this deed?"  "Put on the ruby skates and lace them up", he demanded.  "What about you? Will I see you out there?", I asked. He looked at me, it appeared, with his many eyes and said, "If I don't see you sooner; then I'll see you later". "Now, click your heels together three times and say, "I want to go back to Thursday night", he instructed me. So, I did that and miraculously I found myself on the outside of the barbed wire fence. I looked at the compass and faced west just as one of the guards spotted me and yelled something in Korean. He blew a whistle. I put the puck down on the ground and I began to skate. It was like magic ice that i could not see. I skated west for days on end, always pushing the puck ahead of me. On the third day I spotted a giant shimmering goal, just as the Wizard had described to me. It appeared to be close to one hundred miles away. It stood out like a mountain range. I pushed on throughout the day forgetting about my fatigue as my excitement grew. "What would this goalie be like?", I wondered. The closer I got, the smaller the goal appeared to be. Finally, as I got within several hundred yards of the goal, I took sight of the goaltender. He seemed of average stature in comparison to the goal. Would I shoot or would I deke? Should I shoot high blocker side or low glove side? All these options ran through my head as I got ever closer. I was now only about eight feet from the goal and I could see the goalie's face. It was Louie Chabot! Suddenly, I decided what I should do. Shoot it FIVE HOLE! I came right in and fired the emerald puck at Louie's five hole, BUT,  I partially fanned on the shot and the Frenchman kicked out his leg before the puck could reach him. He slid out and crashed into me and I flew up and over him and the puck slid slowly across the line just inches ahead of me. A great red light filled the sky as my head hit the goal post and knocked me unconscious. As I regained consciousness, I could feel the wind and hear the sound of a helicopter roaring above me. The helicopter kicked up a cloud of dust as it approached the ground. Out jumped some brown men dressed in military uniforms. They rushed to me. They were speaking some foreign language. I was too weak to move. They picked me up and helped me into the helicopter and we took off. I was given an i.v. and all sorts of medical attention. They took me to a hospital in Calcutta. I rested in the hospital for a few days. I told all the nurses and doctors about my experience. A few days later, my brother Joe arrived at the hospital. The doctor told Joe that I had lost my mind, but Joe knew better. I told Joe that all he had to do was head due east from where the helicopter picked me up and he would come to Camp 22. So, we went back to Concord where Joe put the team together. They freed Moe and now everything is good again.
TPF: What about Moe's brother Mark?
HS: We never did see or hear from him. It's a shame. After all he went through with the White Pond Duo trial. You would have thought he would have had a better fate than this. It's strange though; Sometimes I think that sooner or later I just might see him again.

The Pucking Files is  happy to report that "Hipshake" is making great progress with his post-traumatic stress treatment. Doctors believe he will make at least a 70% recovery which is good enough to pass the NAHL stress test.  The season opener between Magenta and Chrome will be carried live from Seoul, South Korea via satellite on October 9th on the NBC Sports Network. Check your local listings.

The Hipshake Interview

The rescue of Moe Rudz from a North Korean prison may go down in history as one of the greatest dramas of the twenty first century. It couldn't  have happened without the efforts of Mike "Hipshake" Farrelly. The Pucking Files sat down with "Hipshake" to get his story firsthand. This is Part 1 of his interview. Let us warn you; this interview may not be suitable for young readers or pregnant women.
TPF: Did you ever doubt that it would be possible to save Moe Rudz?
HS: I never doubted for even one fraction of a millisecond that we could bring Moe back alive. If you know the guys from Thursday Night Hockey like I do, you too would have no doubts.
TPF: Why do you think that you were chosen along with Mark Rudz to lead off this rescue attempt?
HS: My brother "Joe" had faith in us. He knew we went through a lot with the White Park Pond trial. We never broke under the strain of the interrogation and the trial. We didn't crack and that was why he knew that if we were caught by the North Koreans, we wouldn't divulge any information that may put the NAHL in harms way.
TPF: What happened on that night in July when you and Mark went out Gangnam style with the two young ladies who turned out to be North Korean spys Poon and Tang?
HS: It all started out pretty harmless. We decided to unwind by taking in a show in Seoul that featured hip hop sensation Psy. We met who we thought were two cute Jagermeister girls. They offered us some Jagerbombs. After a half  dozen Jagerbombs and some break dancing, we ended up back at the Seoul Hyatt with Poon and Tang, a Hungarian sword swallower, two midget clowns and a woman that trained poodles to jump through hoops. It was crazy.  The next thing I knew, my alarm was going off at 4 a.m. and I was on the bed next to a dead emu with a guitar string wrapped around it's neck and Mark was passed out on the bathroom floor. Someone had drawn Korean calligraphy on his forehead and chest with a magic marker. It was weird shit.
TPF: What happened that led to your plane crash?
HS: After downing a pot of Sanka along with some Little Debbie Cakes, we headed to the airport. The Knat was all fueled and ready for us to take off.  Mark was behind the wheel and I was charting the course.  We were in the air for about seven hours; deep into North Korean territory. I had just swallowed a handful of  pain pills which I washed down with some Russian vodka.  I was getting ready to take the wheel. Suddenly we heard a loud boom and smoke began pouring from the back of the plane into the cockpit. I grabbed the fire extinguisher  and began spraying the fire that was raging out of control. Mark started yelling that we were losing altitude and that the plane wasn't responding to his controls. We realized that The Knat was going down and our only option was to bail out. I looked around and began grabbing whatever essentials I could; like a parachute, the vodka, pop tarts, duct tape and that sort of stuff. Mark did the same. He put on the other parachute and grabbed the Jagermiester and the CheezWiz. By now the cockpit was so full of smoke that we blindly reached for whatever else we could get our hands on. Finally, Mark kicked the plane's door open and he said something that I'll never forget. He said, "If I don't see you sooner, then I'll see you later" and then he jumped out of the plane. I tried to go to the back of the plane and look for the copy of "Cat Fancy" magazine and some toilet paper , but the smoke was too thick and so I knew it was time to go. I sent a text to Joe and then I bailed out into a patch of clouds. After several minutes I caught sight of the ground below. I pulled open my parachute. I looked around, but I never saw Mark. I began to focus on the ground below and realized that I was headed into a forest of trees. I heard the roar of the engine and the plane crashing through the trees. My parachute got hung up on a tree and I was left there dangling through the night. Luckily I was able to get to the vodka.
TPF: How did you get down?
HS: The limb eventually snapped and I fell to the ground.
TPF: What did you do next?
HS: I began looking for Mark. I had yelled for him all night, but I never heard a response. I feared that he might be dead or that he might've finished all the Jagermeister and CheezWiz. I never saw any signs of him though.  It was pretty cold so I built a fire and ate a Pop Tart.
TPF: Did you have a map?
HS: Yes I did, but, it was a map of Cape Cod.
TPF: What did you do next?
HS: I went to look for the Knat to see what I could salvage from it. After searching all morning, I came across the wreckage. It was pretty mangled and burned on the inside. I found a few things that were salvageable that might come in handy.
TPF: Like what?
HS: A screw driver, a bottle of  Aquavellva after-shave, some dental floss, a package of marshmallows,  a pair of knee braces, a bottle of Pepto Bismol and a pack of condoms. Suddenly I was feeling a lot better about my chances.
TPF: Did you believe that you would get out of the predicament that you were in?
HS: For a long time I believed that I'd get through it and that "Joe" and the Thursday Night gang would eventually find me. I  headed west each day toward the Chinese border which I thought would be my quickest route out of North Korea. I was eating crickets, frog legs, ants, roots, berrys and tree bark during the day and  toasting marshmallows by the campfire at night.
TPF: What about water? What did you drink?
HS: I drank out of streams, brooks and ponds. I took a swig of vodka each night. After the first week, I ran out of vodka so I started mixing the Pepto Bismol  with Aquavellva. It didn't taste all that great, but it had a nice buzz. Eventually I ran out of that too and that's when things started to get weird.

The NAHL to Open Season in Seoul

Pep rally for NAHL in Seoul

 Moe Rudz and his rescuers have spent the better part of the week chillin "Gangnam Style" in Seoul, South Korea after the dramatic rescue of the eccentric billionaire in North Korea. More details of the events are beginning to surface and sadly it has been learned that one NAHL player was killed during the battle at Camp 22. Justin Case, a role player for team Mauve died yesterday in a Seoul hospital from multiple injuries he sustained during the battle at Camp 22. He was thirty one years old and he leaves behind a wife and two girlfriends. "He was small, but slow", said Mauve coach Milt A. Shellacin.  His teammates will wear Case's number 87 on their sleeve to honor their fallen teammate. One other player is missing and three others were wounded during the raid. Former Green winger Dave Masineck is missing (again). It was rumored that he was to come out of retirement to make a comeback this season. Greg"Moose" Moffet of team Blue was treated for hearing loss as a result of "friendly fire" during the skirmish. Dan "Too Late" Early of Team Green had to have his lungs pumped after swimming from Rye to North Korea because he missed the flight. Brian "Tilly" Tillotson sustained a shrapnel wound to his buttocks after a grenade accidently detonated in his pocket. All three are expected to make their season opener on October 10th at The Doug.  Moe Rudz waisted no time in getting back to work after his ordeal in North Korea. While convalescing in Seoul, Moe struck up a deal with the South Korean government to have the NAHL open it's season in Seoul on October 9th. The game will feature teams Chrome and Magenta. The event is expected to expand the fan base of the NAHL to the Asian markets. In exchange, South Korea will be sending a women's team to play in the 2014 Black Ice Pond Hockey Championships in Concord, NH. "It's a wonderful opportunity to showcase the greatest league in the world", said Moe from his hospital bed where he is still being treated for malnutrition and halitosis.

Poon Soon Sang between the pipes

The Asian Social Sentinal (ASS) reported that North Korean spy Poon Soon Sang was captured and is being interrogated in Seoul. Poon and Tang Sang Song are accused of planting the bombs that brought down Asiana Flight 214 and The Knat which carried Mike "Hipshake" Farrelly and Mark Rudz. Farrelly was found nearly two months later near the Mongolian border by the Indian Military, but, Mark Rudz is still missing and presumed dead. Things have gone from bad to worse for Kim Jong Un. He has cancelled his wedding to Dennis "The Worm" Rodman after the raid on Camp 22 saw his troops go down in defeat at the hands of Thursday Night hockey league, and now, a key component to his country's security has been captured. Not only that; Poon Soon Sang is often thought of as North Korea's greatest ice hockey goalie. Her nickname is "Chee Na Twat" which translates to Small Five Hole. The Pentagon is hoping to acquire key information on North Korea from Poon and perhaps even locate her accomplice Tang Sang Song.
Don't forget to look for "The Hipshake Interview" coming up later this month on The Pucking Files.

Daring Rescue Frees Moe Rudz!

 If you wondering why so many of the Thursday Night Hockey stars were absent from the Dragon Boat races last saturday, you weren't alone. The answer is perfectly clear today however as news reached the United States that billionaire publisher Moe Rudz was rescued after a dramatic fire fight between North Korean soldiers and Thursday Night hockey players. A stealth raid on Prison Camp 22 was led by Joe "Joe" Farrelly who left the Dragon Boat races suspiciously early as he joined his teammates who were waiting aboard a B-27 aircraft at Manchester Airport. The troops, primarily from teams Blue and Green, parachuted into enemy territory under the cover of darkness. Just before dawn the commandos attacked Camp 22 and after about eight hours of intense fighting, the notorious prison camp fell to the forces of Blue and Green and Moe Rudz was rescued.

Kim Jong Un watches in horror.

NAHL artillary rains down on Camp 22

The news stunned the world as it was reported from Seoul, South Korea today. No one was more shocked than North Korean President Kim Jong Un who was attending his bachelor party just days before he was to wed Dennis "The Worm" Rodman. He watched in awe as his troops surrendered to NAHL forces. The Thursday Night commandos killed a reported fifty troops and took one hundred more prisoner. Several of the Thursday Nighters were injured, but not casualties were reported.

The Worm in his wedding dress

North Korean troops surrender to NAHL

The details of the events are not completely clear at this point, but, The Pucking Files will pass along the information as it becomes available. It has been confirmed; Moe Rudz is safe on South Korean soil today.

Weapons Purchase at Gun Show Raises Eyebrows.

Whenever the Gun Show comes to "The Doug" you can bet that controversy will follow. This year was no exception. A web of intrigue has shrouded this year's Gun Show. Familiar names such as Hassan Bin Sober, Dennis Rodman, John Huntsman, John Kerry, The Farrelly Brothers, The Rudz Brothers and Thursday Night Hockey Players Association have all played prominently in this unfolding drama. There is speculation that it goes much deeper than this. An unnamed source has suggested that even NH Governor Maggie Hassan and President Obama may have a part in all this. Exactly how all these players are involved is unclear at this time, but The Pucking Files have learned that long-time suspected terrorist Hassan Bin Sober who was once married to NH governor Maggie Hassan made a weapons purchase at this year's show that raised more than a few eyebrows. "What raised the red flag here is not the amount of weapons purchased or the type of weapons purchased, but WHO paid for it", said former congressman Chuck "Large Mouth" Bass. Bin Sober purchased thirty military-style assault rifles and five thousand rounds of ammunition along with assorted knives, grenades and stink bombs. The entire purchase was paid for with a check from the Thursday Night Hockey Players Association and was signed by it's president Joe "Joe" Farrelly. What adds to the intrigue is that one week prior to the gun show, the NAHL received a donation of $10,000. from former Utah governor John Huntsman.  Rumors have been circulating that "Operation Moe" is about to make a move to rescue Moe Rudz the eccentric billionaire publisher who is being held in a slave labor camp in the remote mountains of North Korea. Why would the player's union that represents Thursday Night Hockey and the NAHL, one of the most respected organizations in sports, go out on a limb and get involved with a suspected terrorist like Hassan Bin Sober? Here's where it gets REALLY interesting. Hassan Bin Sober has allegedly been cooperating with the U.S.goverment by helping to locate terrorist organizations around the world in order to save himself from jail time. Through his visits to the Pentagon, Bin Sober became acquainted with Governor Huntsman (a former Ambassador to China) as well as Secretary of State John Kerry. Huntsman just happened to attend the gun show at The Doug and he was seen standing just off to one side while  Bin Sober made his purchase. Sources tell us that Huntsman wants Moe Rudz to run his rumored presidential campaign bid. Meanwhile Secretary of State John Kerry has too much on his plate with Syria right now to get involved with North Korea at this time. With the U.S. on the possible brink of war with Syria, the last thing the Pentagon needs is trouble in North Korea. Still the White House wants Moe Rudz returned safely to American soil. So, how is Dennis "The Worm" involved? Rodman is on his way to North Korea for another visit with his "good friend" Kim Jong Un. What better time to plan a surprise raid on the notorious Camp 22 where Moe Rudz is reported to be held.  Last week's recovery of Mike "Hipshake" Farrelly by the Indian military has given new hope to many that Moe Rudz is still alive. Farrelly produced two drawings that were allegedly given to him by a man who claims that he escaped from Camp 22 and that the drawings were made by Moe Rudz. One of the drawings shows Moe Rudz (second from the left) being dragged up a mountain with a noose around  his head by another prisoner as a guard harasses them with a rifle. The other drawing shows Moe being forced to fight another prisoner as entertainment for the guards. Did Moe actually execute these drawings? The one person who could absolutely authenticate the drawings is Moe's brother Mark. The problem is: he hasn't been seen since he and "Hipshake" Farrelly parachuted out of the airplane "The Knat" several months ago. "Hipshake"  told older brother Joe "Joe" Farrelly that he never saw Mark after they bailed out over a remote part of North Korea. Don't miss Mike "Hipshake" Farrelly"s  compelling interview coming up later this month on The Pucking Files. We can only speculate that "Operation Moe" is about to take a new twist. Time will tell and time may be running out for Moe Rudz.

Detainees forced to fight to entertain guards