Green signs Too Late & Moe's Saga Continues

Dan "Too Late" Early signed a one year deal with Green. He was about to become an unrestricted free agent. There were rumors that he would be signing with Chartreuse. He was seen at an all-you-can-eat buffet with Chartreuse GM Buster Hyman. When asked about the meeting, Early said, "I liked the crab cakes and the egg rolls the best".
We now continue with Moe's Adventure (part III):
The mood around the village was quite festive. The women brought Moe some mangos and crocodile meat to eat as well as some fresh water to drink. The sun was beginning to go down and a large fire was blazing in the center of the village. The women were dancing around the fire to the sound of drums. Moe was quite anxious about what lay in store for him. Suddenly, there was some yelling and the chief appeared wearing nothing but some beads and war paint. The drums stopped and the women grew silent. She approached Moe and signaled for him to stand up. She stared at Moe and then she untied the rope that was around his neck and led him to her hut. She turned to the other women and yelled something and they all began to shout and the drums began to pound again. She grabbed Moe by his johnson and began stroking him. Moe knew that if he didn't perform he would end up being served for dinner. The pressure was on. After a few minutes it became apparent that Moe was not going to rise to the occasion. The chief became very angry and smacked Moe across the side of his head. She yelled something at him. She then knocked Moe to the ground and kicked him several times in the back and ribs. She left the hut as Moe lay on the ground in a heap. A few minutes later, the drums stopped and the chief returned with several other women and they dragged Moe out of the hut and dumped near the fire in the center of the village. Moe watched as four women dragged a large cast iron pot over to the fire. They filled the pot with water and set it about to boil. Many of the savages approached Moe and mocked him. They kicked, punched and even spit on him. Moe began to lose all hope. Being boiled alive like a lobster was not the way anyone wants to die, especially Moe. Suddenly, Moe remembered the Viagra pills that Clinton stuffed in his sock. He realized that they may be his last hope of redeeming himself before these savage beauties. But, how was he going to get them with his hands tied behind his back? As the time past waiting for the large pot of water to reach a boil, many women took there turns abusing poor Moe. However, Moe had noticed one woman who seemed to take pity on him. She had given him some water to drink and took no part in the abuse. Moe motioned to her and she approached. He indicated to her that his hands were in pain and that he would like her to untie them. She seemed to understand. She looked around to see if the others were watching and then quickly reached down and untied the knot that bound his hands. Moe seized the opportunity to reach into his sock and grab the Viagra pills. Suddenly one of the other savages noticed that he was untied and she started yelling at him. Moe had to act fast. He tossed all five pills in his mouth and began to swallow them down before the angry bitches could stop him. The woman grabbed him and bound his hands once again. They kicked and punched him and yelled at him. Moe lay on the ground in discomfort with blood oozing from his nose and mouth. Another hour passed and now Moe could see steam rising furiously from the iron pot. He knew his time was nearing the end. The chief approached Moe and yelled in his face. Her breasts slapping Moe across the face as she berated him. Moe suddenly found this rather exciting. He was lifted to his feet by several of the women who were to lead him to the boiling pot. The chief stopped yelling and her eyes grew wide. Moe heard a collective gasp from the tribe and he saw them all looking at his crotch. Moe looked down and to his surprise he saw his erect penis. The chief grabbed Moe and pulled him to her. She reached behind Moe and untied his hands. She laid down on the ground and spread her legs and Moe knew right then and there that THIS was his one opportunity to save himself. Moe mounted the savage queen and he began to thrust himself deep inside of her. The chief was moaning in ecstasy as Moe unloaded inside of her. But, Moe never lost his erection. As a matter of fact, he became aware that it was bigger than ever. He continued humping the savage bitch chief until she had orgasmed so many times that she rolled onto her side and passed out. One by one the women of the tribe took their turn with Moe. Each women became so exhausted from Moe's persistent hammering that they were passing out all around him. Sometime, just before sunrise, Moe had finished doing the last remaining tribe member. Now, Moe was the only conscious being in the village. This was his opportunity to make a break. He grabbed one of the canoes and pushed it down to the river's edge. He also took a spear,a knife, and some food with him. Into the canoe he climbed and away he paddled. He looked back and saw the carnage of savage beauties sleeping all over the ground. He didn't want to stay around to find out what they had in store for him next. Moe paddled furiously down the river for hours. He noticed that he still had an erection. It had been well over twelve hours and it showed no signs of going down. He knew that he'd better get to a doctor because he was well past the four hour warning limit. Would Moe find a doctor in the middle of the jungle? Would Moe's salvation now be his undoing? Find out what lies in stoe foe Moe in the next installment of The Pucking Files.

Legendary

Yesterday the NAHL announced it's new inductees for the Legends of Thursday Night Hockey Hall of Fame. The newest members include two goalies as well as a handful of retirees. The five newest members to The Hall are: Jim "The Big Cum" Commerford, Mike "Hipshake" Farrelly, Tom "Harry" Harrison, Chris "Faster Than You" McGloughlin, Brian "Smitty" Smith and Dunc "Coach" Walsh. They will be officially inducted in late October at the Grappone Center and The Pucking Files will be there to give you complete coverage.
As promised The Pucking Files is pleased to present Part II of Moe's Adventure.
As we remember, Moe was about to be devoured by an enormous crocodile when suddenly the large beast was harpooned with a large spear. The croc rolled over and over trying to free itself from the spear that was imbedded just behind it's head. As it rolled, it was coiling itself in rope that was attached to the harpoon. Moe could not believe his eyes. Blood spurted from the monster and Moe's eye's followed the rope to it's source. There he saw a canoe filled with beautiful aboriginal women that were wearing next to nothing. The woman in the front had the rope in her hands and several others helped her subdue the crocodile. Soon the beast bled out and the women cut the rope and the beast floated upside down. The women paddled the dug-out canoe to Moe who was too exhausted to react. They pulled him up into the canoe. He lay in the bottom of the canoe and the women paddled back towards shore. When they reached the shore several of them grabbed Moe by the arms and yanked Moe out of the canoe and dragged him up onto the beach. Many other women had come down to the shore to witness the sight. They were yelling in a language unfamiliar to Moe. They carried spears and other weapons and Moe began to realize that they were hostile. One of them seemed to be in charge. She appeared to be yelling orders to the others. "She's extremely beautiful for a woman", Moe thought. She leaned over to have a closer look at Moe who was still too exhausted to stand up. Her large brown breast dangled in Moe's face. Suddenly, she pulled out a knife and cut the shirt right off of Moe. He began to fear for his life once again. "Are they going to kill me?", he thought. The woman in charge pointed the knife at Moe's crotch and then cut off Moe's pants. The women all began to yell what sounded like a war whoop. "Are they going to cut off my johnson?", he wondered. They grabbed Moe by the arms and lifted him to his feet. He was now wearing nothing but his hiking boots and socks. They bound his hands with some rope and led him into the jungle. Moments later he entered a clearing that had many grass huts. Here, they tied another rope around Moe's neck and they tied the other end to a post in the center of the village. The savage women gathered around and what seemed to be a great debate ensued. The chief seemed to be the one that the other women were directing their comments to. After several minutes, the talking stopped and the chief and the others turned their gaze upon Moe. Moe was full of worry as the women approached him. The chief grabbed Moe by the hair and yanked his head up. She stared straight into his eyes. Although she was attractive (for a woman), she was also very intimidating. She grabbed more of Moe's hair with the other hand and pulled Moe's head to her crotch. Moe was face to face with a savage pussy. She said some kind of a command and pulled harder on Moe's hair. Moe realized that she wanted oral sex from him. Fearing for his life, Moe began to perform the task he was faced with even though it was foreign to him. The chief began to moan and Moe realized that he must be doing something right because she relaxed her grip on his scalp. Finally, the chief tugged Moe's hair as she let out a long moan of ectasy and all the other female savages began to yell their war whoop. Moe had managed to spare his own life for the time being. The chief walked away from Moe and another woman took her place. It became evident to Moe that his task was not complete. Woman after woman took their turn with Moe. His tongue soon became raw. It went on for hours until, finally around sunset,the last of the savages had been satisfied. They left Moe tied to the stake while the women made dinner. They roasted the crocodile on the fire. One of the woman brought Moe a piece of crocodile meat. It tasted terrible, but Moe was so hungry, he ate it anyway. Moe slept on the ground that night. The following morning Moe was awakened by the sound of the women who seemed to be in a heightened state. He then noticed a small airplane circling overhead. Most of the women ran from the village down a path in the jungle. Several of the savage babes stayed behind to guard Moe. He could hear the airplane's engine as it disappeared below the tree line. About twenty minutes later, the women began to appear back in the village carrying boxes. Soon after Moe caught sight of the chief, who was accompanied by two white men with smiles on their faces. One of the men was speaking the native language of the tribe. The women seemed to be in a festive mood. Not long after, Moe heard the sound of drums. It seemed that some sort of ceremony was taking place. The men seemed to be offering the women gifts. The men came closer to the center of the village where Moe was bound to the stake. One of the men looked oddly familiar to Moe. The two approached Moe and looked at him. The translator spoke to the chief. They smiled. Suddenly it donned on Moe who the familiar looking grey haired man was. It was former president Bill Clinton. "Mr. President!", Moe blurted. He smiled and said, "No, but I get that a lot". Moe recognized his voice. This had to be Bill Clinton. "My name is Frank", he said, "Frank Wiener. Pleased to meet you." Moe knew the man was lying which made him even more sure that it was Clinton. He decided that he'd better not press the issue because these men may be his only chance at getting out of this predicament. "You've got yourself in quite a situation here", said Frank. "The ladies have big plans for you fella, you lucky dog.", he added."What do you mean?" asked Moe. "You are going to have more sex than any guy, other than me, could possibly imagine", Frank answered. "I can't do that!", shouted Moe. "Of course you can. These women are HOT! You have to satisfy them, or else", Frank advised. "Or else what?", Moe asked. "They'll kill you and cook you and eat you my friend", replied Frank. "You've got to get me out of here!", Moe pleaded. "I can't do that friend", said Frank. "It's a two seater airplane and we are about to load it up with rare plants that are to be used to cure Alzheimer disease. We can't jeopardize the mission", Frank informed him. "You don't understand", said Moe. "I've never had sex before, especially with a woman", explained Moe. "You're a VIRGIN?", Frank asked. "Yes, and besides that, I'm gay.", Moe replied. "Oh boy, you are in deep shit pal", Frank blurted. "You gotta HELP ME!", Moe begged. "I have something that I think may help you out of this jam", whispered Frank. "What?" asked Moe. Frank reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of blue pills. "It's Viagra my friend!", quipped Frank. "You take a couple of these and you'll be able to do the entire tribe", Frank said. "Believe me, I know. I've done all these ladies thanks to these little blue pills", he told Moe. "But.....I'm GAY!", Moe cried. "Well think of some dude while you're doing up these horny native chicks.", Frank advised. "We have to be off friend. Just enjoy it." added Frank. He stuffed five pills in Moe's sock and then turned away. Down the path the two men went. Moe was left in a state of panic. Would this be the end for Moe? Could Moe rise to the occasion or would he end in a real stew? Find out in the next installment of The Pucking Files.

One Moe Time!

I had finally accepted the idea that I would never see Moe again. For the past year I had held onto the notion that Moe was somehow going to make it back alive from the jungles of Borneo even though it had been confirmed that he was killed and beheaded by cannibals. I thought to myself, "this is Moe they are talking about and they don't know Moe". As the months passed and no further news of Moe arrived, I began to face the realization that it was over. Then on the evening of June 29th, I received a text that read, " Hey Bro, I need your credit card number so I can book a flight back to the States. I'll explain everything later. Can't wait to see you. Moe". I was wary that I was being played for my credit card number by some cruel scoundrel looking to empty my bank account. I replied to the text. "If this is Moe then tell me what our grandfather did during World War I". A few minutes later I received a text that read, "He was an airplane mechanic". I was stunned. Could this really be Moe? I decided that I needed to ask another question before I could be sure that this wasn't a scam. I texted, " What did Dad give you for your tenth birthday present?". The answer was something that only Moe could possibly know. The text appeared, " A Northland Custom Pro AND he bought it at Haggetts". I got weak in the knees when I read this. MOE WAS ALIVE! I texted him the credit card number and an hour later I received another text saying that he had booked a flight from Jakarta to New York. I picked him up in NYC on the 3rd of July. I was shocked at how old and frail Moe looked when he arrived at the gate. On our ride back to New Hampshire Moe told me his tale of his harrowing experience in Indonesia. I hung on every word. It was the greatest tale of adventure I had ever heard. It was so unbelievable and so shocking that I felt I had no choice but to share it with the world and what better avenue to do that than The Pucking Files.
It was a year ago that Moe sold his publishing empire to Mr. Moto and headed off to the island of Borneo in Indonesia to pursue a career as an etymologist. Reports had swirled not long after his departure that claimed that Moe's team of scientist had been attacked and killed by headhunters and Moe had been beheaded. A shrunken head had been recovered by some souvenir-merchants and sent back to London for examination. At first it had been confirmed that the head belonged to Moe, but weeks later that report had been discredited as being flawed. This was the story that had made world news after it was first reported by The Pucking Files. The reality, however, was far different. It was true that Moe and his team had been attacked in the jungles of Borneo, but, the attackers were not aboriginal cannibals. The attackers had been a branch of the radical Islamic group ISIS. It was a more radical branch known as ASSES (Arabic Secret Society of Extreme Soldiers). They systematically executed almost all of the members of Moe's scientific research team. They beheaded one of them and brought it to the local headhunters to shrink in order to pass it off as Moe's head. But why?, you might ask. This is where the story takes a twist. Moe was waiting to be executed along with his fellow scientist. He had been tied to a tree after being beaten and interrogated. While the terrorist were busy making a video of the beheading of Norwegian scientist Lars Uterus, Moe had managed to wiggle his hands free and he carefully went to work freeing himself from the tree to which he was bound. Just as the executor raised his sword to behead the unfortunate Norwegian, Moe made his break for it. Into the jungle he dashed. The members of ASSES were slow to take notice because they were distracted by the head of Lars that rolled onto the ground. This gave Moe the few extra seconds to gain a sizable lead on his his would-be-assasins who were soon in hot pursuit. The jungle was dense and it was difficult to see very far because of the foliage. Moe ran for hours, often falling in the tangle of vines and branches. The terrorist faced the same problems and could not gain on Moe whose skinny physique was an asset to getting through the jungle. He came across a river where he stopped to catch his breath. He could hear his captors in the distance and he knew that he had to get across the river or else he would be recaptured. Moe began to make his way across the muddy water. The river got deeper as he approached the middle and suddenly the raging current swept him in and he was helpless to get across. Down the raging river he was carried. Moe soon realized that it was the river which was now his greatest concern. Moe was dashed against boulders like a rag doll. Several times the current pulled him under. He tried desperately to grab ahold of a boulder, but the current was too strong and his scrawny arms were no match for the mighty current. He noticed that the sound of the rushing water had now turned into a roar as the brown waters had turned into white water rapids. Moe looked ahead. He became consumed with a greater sense of urgency when he realized that he was about to be pulled over a waterfall. In an instant Moe plummeted over the falls, but by the grace of God, Moe missed the boulders below and again he resurfaced with a new set of concerns before him. The river widened and flattened out below the falls. There were sandy beaches on either side. Unfortunately, the beaches were lined with crocodiles basking in the sun. As Moe floated past them, the crocs caught his scent and entered the water in pursuit of a fresh meal. The current had propelled Moe past most of the hungry reptiles, however, one particularly large croc had started to gain on him. Moe began swimming in order to try to distance himself from the beast, but the croc was determined not to let a meal get away. The gap between predator and prey narrowed and Moe began to grow more weary. Moe began to swallow water as the large reptile pulled to within a few inches of him. At that moment Moe stopped swimming and prepared for the inevitable gruesome death that awaited him. Suddenly...........(to be continued).
The Pucking Files will be bringing more of Moe's harrowing tale in the weeks and months ahead. Also ahead, find out who will be the new inductees into the Legends of Thursday Night Hall of Fame and find out what trades have occurred in the NAHL and the CCHL.