One Moe Time!

I had finally accepted the idea that I would never see Moe again. For the past year I had held onto the notion that Moe was somehow going to make it back alive from the jungles of Borneo even though it had been confirmed that he was killed and beheaded by cannibals. I thought to myself, "this is Moe they are talking about and they don't know Moe". As the months passed and no further news of Moe arrived, I began to face the realization that it was over. Then on the evening of June 29th, I received a text that read, " Hey Bro, I need your credit card number so I can book a flight back to the States. I'll explain everything later. Can't wait to see you. Moe". I was wary that I was being played for my credit card number by some cruel scoundrel looking to empty my bank account. I replied to the text. "If this is Moe then tell me what our grandfather did during World War I". A few minutes later I received a text that read, "He was an airplane mechanic". I was stunned. Could this really be Moe? I decided that I needed to ask another question before I could be sure that this wasn't a scam. I texted, " What did Dad give you for your tenth birthday present?". The answer was something that only Moe could possibly know. The text appeared, " A Northland Custom Pro AND he bought it at Haggetts". I got weak in the knees when I read this. MOE WAS ALIVE! I texted him the credit card number and an hour later I received another text saying that he had booked a flight from Jakarta to New York. I picked him up in NYC on the 3rd of July. I was shocked at how old and frail Moe looked when he arrived at the gate. On our ride back to New Hampshire Moe told me his tale of his harrowing experience in Indonesia. I hung on every word. It was the greatest tale of adventure I had ever heard. It was so unbelievable and so shocking that I felt I had no choice but to share it with the world and what better avenue to do that than The Pucking Files.
It was a year ago that Moe sold his publishing empire to Mr. Moto and headed off to the island of Borneo in Indonesia to pursue a career as an etymologist. Reports had swirled not long after his departure that claimed that Moe's team of scientist had been attacked and killed by headhunters and Moe had been beheaded. A shrunken head had been recovered by some souvenir-merchants and sent back to London for examination. At first it had been confirmed that the head belonged to Moe, but weeks later that report had been discredited as being flawed. This was the story that had made world news after it was first reported by The Pucking Files. The reality, however, was far different. It was true that Moe and his team had been attacked in the jungles of Borneo, but, the attackers were not aboriginal cannibals. The attackers had been a branch of the radical Islamic group ISIS. It was a more radical branch known as ASSES (Arabic Secret Society of Extreme Soldiers). They systematically executed almost all of the members of Moe's scientific research team. They beheaded one of them and brought it to the local headhunters to shrink in order to pass it off as Moe's head. But why?, you might ask. This is where the story takes a twist. Moe was waiting to be executed along with his fellow scientist. He had been tied to a tree after being beaten and interrogated. While the terrorist were busy making a video of the beheading of Norwegian scientist Lars Uterus, Moe had managed to wiggle his hands free and he carefully went to work freeing himself from the tree to which he was bound. Just as the executor raised his sword to behead the unfortunate Norwegian, Moe made his break for it. Into the jungle he dashed. The members of ASSES were slow to take notice because they were distracted by the head of Lars that rolled onto the ground. This gave Moe the few extra seconds to gain a sizable lead on his his would-be-assasins who were soon in hot pursuit. The jungle was dense and it was difficult to see very far because of the foliage. Moe ran for hours, often falling in the tangle of vines and branches. The terrorist faced the same problems and could not gain on Moe whose skinny physique was an asset to getting through the jungle. He came across a river where he stopped to catch his breath. He could hear his captors in the distance and he knew that he had to get across the river or else he would be recaptured. Moe began to make his way across the muddy water. The river got deeper as he approached the middle and suddenly the raging current swept him in and he was helpless to get across. Down the raging river he was carried. Moe soon realized that it was the river which was now his greatest concern. Moe was dashed against boulders like a rag doll. Several times the current pulled him under. He tried desperately to grab ahold of a boulder, but the current was too strong and his scrawny arms were no match for the mighty current. He noticed that the sound of the rushing water had now turned into a roar as the brown waters had turned into white water rapids. Moe looked ahead. He became consumed with a greater sense of urgency when he realized that he was about to be pulled over a waterfall. In an instant Moe plummeted over the falls, but by the grace of God, Moe missed the boulders below and again he resurfaced with a new set of concerns before him. The river widened and flattened out below the falls. There were sandy beaches on either side. Unfortunately, the beaches were lined with crocodiles basking in the sun. As Moe floated past them, the crocs caught his scent and entered the water in pursuit of a fresh meal. The current had propelled Moe past most of the hungry reptiles, however, one particularly large croc had started to gain on him. Moe began swimming in order to try to distance himself from the beast, but the croc was determined not to let a meal get away. The gap between predator and prey narrowed and Moe began to grow more weary. Moe began to swallow water as the large reptile pulled to within a few inches of him. At that moment Moe stopped swimming and prepared for the inevitable gruesome death that awaited him. Suddenly...........(to be continued).
The Pucking Files will be bringing more of Moe's harrowing tale in the weeks and months ahead. Also ahead, find out who will be the new inductees into the Legends of Thursday Night Hall of Fame and find out what trades have occurred in the NAHL and the CCHL.