North Korea Takes Aim at Concord

City and state officials are tight lipped about the reported "sink hole" that engulfed the north bound lane of I93 in Concord yesterday. Traffic had to be rerouted around the Capital area and investigators pondered the situation. An insider source has informed The Pucking Files that the hole was not a sink hole as reported. It was the result of a North Korean missle that failed to detonate upon impact. North Korea had vowed revenge against those who had been involved with the rescue of Moe Rudz several years ago. Members of Concord's elite athletes from Thursday Night Hockey had risked their lives to rescue the billionaire publisher after he had been captured by North Korean troops when his panda safari lost it's way and ended up in the rogue republic. Kim Jung Il has called the missle attack revenge for the North Korean lives lost in the battle against NAHL volunteer forces. The White House and the Pentagon have not publicly responded to the claim. "It is quite clear that the real target was The Doug", said Joe "Joe" Farrelly, the president of the NAHL Players Association. With the Doug set to open in less than a month, a direct hit on the famed arena would have crippled the city's economy which relies heavily on revenues generated by the NAHL and CCHL. "God was on our side", said Kenny "Don't Ya Love Em Madly" Bradley after hearing of the conspiracy. As for now, city officials are still calling it "a sink hole".

We now continue with our featured summer story: Fifty Shades of Moe. The pirate's boat overtook Moe's boat and the Chinese pirates boarded the Filthy Pig without any resistance other than from Gus. Fortunately for them, Gus was so stinking drunk that his pistol aim was way off the mark. The pirates pistol whipped Gus until he was rendered unconscious. Moe and the others were too overcome with fear to do anything about it. The pirates plundered the Filthy Pig and took the passengers as hostages. Twenty minutes later,the vessel slowed down and one of the pirates began to chum the water with fish blood and guts. Moe was curious why they would be fishing after getting away with robbery. The pirates put their boat into neutral and soon sharks began appear all around the boat. Moe wondered why and soon his question was answered. One of the pirates began yelling in Chinese at the passengers. He pointed a gun at them and pointed to a gang plank that they had set up off the bow of the boat. The passengers were being forced to walk the gang plank into a feeding frenzy of tiger sharks. The first passenger was prodded to leap off the plank and in minutes he was attacked by the hungry sharks. One by one, the passengers met their gruesome fate. Moe wondered when his turn would come. Moe noticed a helicopter hovering above the pirate's ship. It kept circling about. One of the pirates fired a shot at it with his pistol. Now the pirates were starting to concern themselves with the helicopter. Others began to take pot shots at the chopper. The pirate captain yelled at Moe to get on the gang plank. Moe hesitantly got on the plank, suddenly a loud roar overwhelmed the ship. The helicopter opened fire on the pirates. All hell broke loose as the pirates fired back. Machine gun fire reigned down on the pirates. Moe dropped to his knees and hung on for dear life. If it were not for the sharks, Moe would have used the opportunity to jump into the water. The helicopter hovered down closer and under the cover of machine gun fire, they dropped a rope down to Moe. Moe grabbed the rope and the chopper pulled away with Moe clinging to the rope. Moe was caught in the cross-fire, but he managed to be pulled into the helicopter uninjured. When Moe finally became aware enough to look around, he saw Bill Clinton standing there along with some heavily armed soldiers. "You sure to manage to get yourself in some tight jams", Clinton said to Moe. "Mr.Clinton", said Moe, "You've saved my life once again". "I told you, my name is Frank Wiener. People often mistake me for Bill Clinton", he said. "How can I ever repay you Frank?", Moe asked. "You can start by describing all the juicy details about your sexcapades with the lovely jungle ladies of Borneo. Moe recounted his tale of the events that took place after his last encounter with "Frank". Frank told Moe that he was sorry to hear about him losing his johnson as a result of the viagra overdose. "I know a surgeon in Jakarta who specializes in penis transplants. I'll take you to see him. A week later, Moe was discharged from the hospital with a new ten inch penis and a new lease on life. Frank invited Moe to join him for a month of jet-setting all over the world banging women in exotic places. Moe declined the offer, knowing that he didn't really care for women and besides, it was time to get back to work.

Leave It to Beav and 50 Shades of Moe

Followers of The 1883 Black Ice Pond Hockey Tournament were out in droves on friday July 31rst to watch some of their favorite stars tee off at the 2nd annual Halfway to Black Ice Golf Outing. The weather was ideal and balls were slamming against the beaver. "We're over the hump and headed toward year six of the pond hockey tourney and it's full speed ahead", said Chris "Brownie" Brown who is the driving force behind Black Ice. The weather report looks good for the last weekend in January. It is expected to be cold with a mix of sun and clouds as well as the possibility of snow flurries throughout the weekend. It is rumored that Brownie will park The RV on White St. sometime in mid august this year. When asked about that, Brown said, "I have no comment at this time".

As promised, The Pucking Files now continues with Moe's epic adventure;
As Moe continued down river in the dug-out canoe he began to grow weak. His erection had now taken on a life of it's own and it was now more than twenty four hours old. His feet and hands were beginning to turn blue and he became dizzy due to all the blood that his penis required. The jungle heat didn't help matters any. Moe finally passed out in the canoe which was now being swept down stream with no one in control.
When Moe regained consciousness, he found himself on a cot staring at a ceiling fan. A nun was sitting beside his bed reading her bible. "Hello", said Moe. "Bonjour Monsieur", replied the nun. "Parle vous francais?, she asked. "No", answered Moe. "Do you speak english?", he asked her. "No", she replied. The nun left the room and returned with a man dressed like a priest. "Hello, my name is Father Latrine", he said with a heavy accent. "By the grace of God, you are still alive", he added. "Where am I and what has happened to me?", Moe asked the priest. "You were found floating in a canoe in the delta. You were as white as a ghost and very cold. You had a peculiar medical condition. A few of the nuns tried their best to remedy the problem, but to no avail. I myself even tried, but, your condition remained hard, I mean difficult to figure out. We tried an exorcism thinking perhaps that your condition was the work of the devil. This too was unsuccessful. We finally went to a nearby village and found a doctor. The doctor performed the surgery which is why you are alive today", Father Latrine explained. "Surgery?", Moe asked. "Oui, surgery", replied the priest pointing his finger towards Moe's crotch. Moe lifted the sheets and looked down. He was overcome by a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. His crotch was completely bandaged. "Oh God NO!", Moe yelled. "I am afraid that the doctor had no other option other than to let you die", said Father Latrine. Tears began to well in Moe's eyes. "I will leave you alone for awhile. You need to rest", said the priest. Moe could not rest. An hour passed and a nun came in to change the bandages. Moe asked her about the doctor, but she spoke very little english. "I was a virgin and I lost my virginity and now I lost my manhood. How could this have happened to me?", Moe said to the young nun. "Ce la vie", she replied. That evening Father Latrine returned to check up on Moe. "Where are we and how do I get out of here?", Moe asked. You are in Bora Bora, just west of the island of Java", replied the priest. "There is a boat that arrives here at the end of the week. By then you may be strong enough to take the trip across the water to the mainland", he told Moe. "It cost five francs to take the boat, but we found that you have nothing at all except a pair of socks and some hiking boots. The people of this village have taken pity on you and provided you with some clothes and a ticket to ride the boat to the mainland. God too has taken pity on you Monsieur Moe. The boat will arrive at the pier at 1pm today", Latrine informed Moe. Moe said goodbye to Father Latrine and the nuns then he walked down to the pier where he boarded the boat. The vessel was a small steam powered barge named "The Filthy Pig". It sputtered it's way out of the delta until it reached the ocean. It was loaded with supplies and the few rare people with enough money to buy a ticket. By chance, the captain was an hard drinking Australian named Gus. He was rough around the edges yet friendly to Moe. For hours, Moe told Gus his tale of woe. Gus was getting drunker by the hour as Moe told his story. It was just before sunset that Moe noticed a vessel heading towards The Filthy Pig. "Hot Damn, fucken PIRATES!", yelled Gus. He pushed the throttle full speed ahead, but the old barge was no match for the pirate's troller. "These guys are scum from the South China Seas", Gus informed Moe. "Go down into the hatch and grab some rifles and hand them to the other passengers", Gus instructed Moe. Gus pushed the throttle full ahead and steam poured out of the stack. The pirate's boat was gaining on the Filthy Pig. "Are they dangerous?", asked Moe. "Hell ya!", yelled Gus. "They'll probably kill us after they rob us". Will Moe meet his demise at the hands of the pirates or will The Filthy Pig out run them? Find out next time on The Pucking Files.