Clown Mayhem Narrowly Averted at The Doug

The Doug turned into a three ring circus, but thanks to the quick thinking of Green coach Gary "Toe" Blake no one was injured. When the city of Concord decided that bringing the circus to town would be a good idea, there were those who thought otherwise. The folks from PETA didn't agree with the city's decision and they gathered in front of the Doug to make city officials aware of their displeasure with circus acts that they feel are indifferent to the rights of animals. What they didn't know was that one particular elephant felt that they had no right to mess with his livelihood. Rosco, the three thousand pound pachyderm watched protesters picket the circus outside the Doug. He finally decided that he'd had enough. Roscoe charged the crowd that held signs with anti circus sentiment. It was thanks to the quick thinking on one man; Gary "Toe" Blake, the head coach of defending champion Green of the NAHL, no one ended up dead or seriously injured. Blake, who was hired to work as a clown during the off season, saw Rosco getting agitated by the crowd of protesters.

When Roscoe finally made an advance toward the crowd, Blake pulled out a bag of peanuts and threw the legumes in the path of the rampaging elephant. Rosco, distracted by the peanuts, halted his charge in order to consume the peanuts. Toe grabbed the tail of the mammoth and convinced the three thousand pound beast to reconsider. Unfortunately, Roscoe had a peanut allergy and blacked out. He landed on top of Toe. Blake was rushed to Concord hosptial where he was treated for a broken pelvis and cracked ribs. Dunc "Coach" Walsh who was working at the Doug just happened to have an antidote for the peanut allergy which he kept on hand for teammate Joe "Joe" Farrelly, who has the same peanut allergy as Roscoe. The injection saved Roscoe who went on to perform marvelously later that evening for the sold out Doug crowd. From his hospital bed, Toe Blake told reporters, " I was just acting on instinct. I knew Roscoe was upset, so I grabbed a bag of peanuts just in case. I had no idea that he had a peanut allergy. I feel terrible, but I'm glad that Dunc was on hand to save Ol' Roscoe. I'm relieved to learn that no one other than myself was seriously hurt. I hope to be ready for game 8 coming up in five months. This is something I will never forget." A spokesperson for the circus said, "This is something Roscoe will also never forget. He never forgets anything. He's an elephant." Earlier in the day, Blake signed a chimp named Guy Plantaine to a contract with Green. "I saw him skate earlier in the morning. He had great hockey sense and his head was always up. He has great vision. I can't believe that he's been milling around the circus all these years without ever getting a try out in the NAHL. He will fit in perfectly on the second line and I may use him on the power play instead of Tilly.

The Road to Fitchburg Takes Many Turns

There are a number of ways to get to and from Fitchburg, but, you can never return from there the same way you arrived. The Fitchburg tourney is for some "the spring break of middle age hockey players" and for others it is their swan song. Fitchburg can eat you up and spit you out as has been the way for so many who have braved the journey. Most of us will only know Fitchburg by the songs, poems and stories that have made their way into hockey lore. It has made legends of some and ruined others. You don't want to make that journey unless you are prepared. The only way to prepare for something that grueling is to jump into the fire of Thursday Night Hockey week in and week out until you are tempered like steel. Then and only then can one ever hope to survive the road that leads to Fitchburg.
For the Budmen; it was ever so close. They could taste victory as they made their final journey on sunday morning. In the end though, they fell two goals short of achieving hockey immortality. They drove away with their heads held high up through the sun roof. They received awards for "Most Eco Friendly" for their car-pooling and showering. They shared a shower with non other than the Blues Brothers who were playing a show at the Wallace Civic Center.

For Team Bud Light; they never actually found Fitchburg. It is rumored that they ended up in Leominster. The ship captain Jim "Purple" Haze blamed himself for running the ship aground. He gave his equipment away to the crew to eat since they had run out of food. He saved only his garter belt which he ate when he reached the NH border. Hazy sent in his assessment of the voyage along with his letter of resignation. He has been replaced by Tom "Painch" Painchaud of Thursday Night Hockey. Painch is currently recovering from a triple knee replacement.

In other related stories that took place this weekend: The Turkey Pond Flyers were honored by the Manchester Monarchs. The Monarchs wore Turkey Pond Flyers jerserys and Steve Arndt dropped the ceremonial first puck. The team enjoyed the evening hanging out in the luxury suite with Max the Monarch's mascot. Ryan Brandt and Dan Lucker were not able to attend the festivities due to a previous committment with Team Bud Light. Dave "Tilly" Tillotson and Bruce Gillies filled in for "Silky" and "Lucky".

In the end however, none of this matters......if you don't win game eight. Game eight is only six months away so.........START THINKING ABOUT IT.

Fitchburg Follies

Going into game three the Budmen are looking to stay undefeated and Team Bud Light is searching for it's first win. Both teams managed only ties in game 2 and game three has become pivotal for the Budmen and not so pivotal for Bud Light. The difference between the two is that Bud Light is just trying to "keep abreast" with their opponents.

"It's not how many Bud Lights that you drink; it's how you drink em", said veteran defenseman Greg "Hernia" Fournier. The beer girls that are serving the Bud Light locker room may be TOO GOOD at what they do. "It is hard to stay focused", complained Andy "BTO" Bachmann. Meanwhile, the Budmen have been "slicing" through their opponents. As the hidden "Kaiser Cam" shows that there is a correlation between pizza and soft hands.

TC explains to Dunc how pizza has helped his game tremendously. Dunc "Coach" Walsh blamed the pepperoni for setting him off in game 2. He went after the opposition's "tough guy". "He doesn't back down from anyone regardless of their age", said Todd "Philby" Philbrick. "That guy may have been in his mid seventies, but he was taking liberties with our team. I was just trying to create a little room for my linemates", said Walsh. "That guy was meaner than Barney Colgan even though he was a little older than Barn", said Joe "Joe" Farrelly. Dunc had been fired from a job at Harris Hill Nursing Home before he got into coaching. Apparently he was too rough on the patients.
The only highlight for Bud Light besides the beer girls was Jim "Cummy" Commerford's highlight reel goal when he went top shelf where Mama hides the beer. "I taught him that when we were kids playing street hockey", said younger brother Mike. "I only saw him do that with a Mylec street hockey ball. I didn't think he could do that with a puck", he added. Stay tuned for the final results of the Fitchburg Tourney coming up on monday's edition of The Pucking Files.

Foggy Conclusion Leads to Game 8!

"It will be at least six months before the NAHL Champion is crowned", said Richard Hurtz, a spokesperson for the NAHL. Last night's 7 to 7 tie in game 7 has left the league no choice but to play a game eight. Due to contractual agreements with the city of Concord, game eight can not be played this season in order to make way for the much anticipated Home Show. "I love the Home Show!", said Kenny "Don't Ya Love Em Madly" Bradley. "We wait all year long for the Home Show", added Brian "Tilly" Tillotson. "For me, the only thing better than the Home Show is the Cat Show", explained Dunc "Coach" Walsh. "The Mayor is standing firm on this", said Dan "Lucky" Luker. "He's a huge hockey fan, but he knows that a new couch and drapes can make the hockey season so much more enjoyable". "I just hope that my scoring touch can caring over six months", said Joe "Joe" Farrelly who for the second straight game has led off the scoring. His twisted wrister found it's way past a four-eyed Harry.

Harry donned the specs for game 7. The only oversight on Harry's behalf was the anti-foggy agent that he neglected to apply to the lenses of his glasses. The foggy outlook that Harry took into the match led to a record number of time-outs taken by the tempormental goaltender. When "Harry" called his tenth time-out referee Phil Lacasse sent Harrison to the locker room to put in his contact lenses or else he would give him a delay of game penalty. Harry was replaced in net by Jim "Heathy" Heath who made several spectacular saves for Blue. He had an impeccable save percentage and is now a candidate for "The Stuffy" award for top goaltender. The backstopping by Heathy may have been enough to earn first star of the game, but Heathy sealed the deal with his full length rush up the ice to score the tying goal in the final minutes of the game. "He plays big in the big games", said his teammate Andy "BTO" Bachmann who also shared goaltending duties with Harry and Heathy. "It looked as if Green would repeat as champions once again", said Tom "Shemp" Champagne, "but Heathy took it upon himself to make sure that wasn't going to happen". Shemp earned 2nd star honors for his solid two-way play. Green had a chance to put Blue away when Tom "Philby" Philbrick was awarded a penalty shot. Philby skated through the fog and went to his backhand ,but Harry blindly dove across the crease to make the save.

So, the fans, who were not permitted to watch game seven, they will get the opportunity to witness a championship game after all. Tickets for game eight went on sale this morning and were sold out before noon. "We have some time to prepare for game eight. There should be no excuses", said coach Gary "Toe" Blake. "It's time to START THINKING ABOUT IT!", blurted out Greg "Hernia" Fornier. "Let's just hope that Joe "Joe" Farrelly remains HOT throughout the off season", he added. "Oh he will" , said his wife Sue.
Last night was the unveiling of the Thursdy Night Hockey logo. Each player was given a tee shirt with the new logo. Fans will able to purchase these jerserys through "Friends of Thursday Night Hockey" who will be hosting a golf tournament this summer. The money raised from the sales of the shirts will go to purchasing new goalie sticks for Harry who also set a record for the most sticks ever broken by a goalie. The old record was held by the great Louie Chabot.
So from all of us here at The Pucking Files, we wish you a very happy off-season. We look forward to game eight this fall. Stay tuned to the Pucking Files all year long. Don't forget the upcoming awards banquet at the Gas Lighter later this spring. Stay FOCUSED!

Legal Loophole Forces a Game 7!

The champagne was on ice and Gary "Toe" Blake had his brother "Finger" duct taping plastic around the lockers to counter the anticipated champagne showers as his Green squad took the lead early in the third period on a Jim "Cummy" Commerford roof shot. The crowd at the Doug went wild when minutes later Green took a two goal lead. Every sign was pointing to a repeat championship for Green. But, as the puck was skidding along the ice, attorney Dan "Lucky" Luker was reading the fine print of the NAHL bylaws. What "Lucky" uncovered was buried on page 63; section 4; rule 88. It states that a team must have all players "PAID IN FULL" in order to be awarded the championship. Lucker immediately audited the books and found that one Green player had only "PARTIALLY" paid his league fee and thus voided the championship celebration. The ruling goes on to elaborate that, "if the overdue fee is not paid in full before the final whistle then a one game playoff should take place to determine the championship." Luker wisely waited until the game ended before informing "Toe" Blake of RULE 88. When Blue coach John "Stuffy" Stevenson got the word he grabbed Lucker and kissed him on the mouth. The Green crowd was baffled when Steve "Po" Potozak made the announcement prior to what most fans thought was going to be the trophy stick presentation. The boos rang out and soon the ice was littered with debris. Fans began ripping out the seats and before long the National Guard was called in to control the riot that had engulfed the Doug. League officials had an emergency meeting and came to a decision on the matter. "There will be a game seven ,but no fans will be permitted inside the Doug next Thursday to watch the rematch. Only league officals will be on hand to witness the event", announced Dick Hurtz, the Vice President of Hockey Operations for the NAHL. A reporter for The Pucking Files uncovered the culprit in this drama. It was Mike "Cummy" Commerford who still owed $100. that was responsible for the forfeit. The oversight cost his older brother Jim from scoring what could be "the game winner". The Pucking Files caught up to Jim who lamented, "My mom always babied him and didn't hold him accountable. She used to pay for his overdue library books instead of making him do it. I knew this was going to haunt him later in life. I never thought it would come to this though." Mike Commerford is under protection from the NH State Troopers. He has received threatening phone calls through out the night. One call was traced to the Gilmore Street Mosque. The caller identified himself as "Batman" and said he was calling from the "Bat Cave". It is suspected that it is none other than Hassan Bin Sobar, the mastermind behind the Black Ice assassination attempt on the life of Chris "Brownie" Brown. The irony of the situation is that Blue had multiple players who have yet to pay their league fee. The list includes Jim "Heathie" Heath, Chris "Brownie" Brown, Tom "TC" Carroll, Jim "Purple" Haze, "Doctor" Rich Rosato, Jeff "Cano" Cain, Tom "Philby" Philbrick, Dunc "Coach" Walsh and Dan "Too Late" Early. However, as Luker pointed out to The Pucking Files, "It's not "Too Late" for these guys to pay before the final whistle on game seven. It's a legal loophole that worked in Blue's favor."
Regardless of the outcome, fans were treated to good game. Toe made a surprising move by moving veteran defenseman Joe "Joe" Farrelly to wing. It paid immediate dividends as "Joe" scored the games first goal and assisted on two others. He was named the second star of the game. The first star went to Jim "Cummy" Commerford, the star-crossed older brother of Mike "IOU" Commerford. "Cummy" scored two goals including the "could have been" game winner. The third star went to Kenny "Don't Ya Love Em Madly" Bradley who allowed only three pucks to find the back of the net. The fourth star went to the defense pairing of Ryan "Silky" Brandt and Dave "Motor" Carlson who dominated the back line all game. Carlson left the game with five minutes to play after losing fourth teeth to a flagrant high stick from chippy center Dave "Tilly" Tillotson who was frustrated by "Motor" all night long. The real "Star of the Game" went to Dan "Lucky" Luker who forced a game seven by actually reading the fine print. "I expect a classic BARN BURNER for game seven", said Phil "Commish" Stewart. You can bet Gary "Toe" Blake will be keeping a close eye on the finances for game seven.

Green Swoops Down on Blue

Green dominates Blue on Cecil Luckern night at the Doug.

It was typical 1973 Green Giant's hockey: a short bench, wide open, goal hanging, breakaways, and lots of goals for Green. As a tribute to Swoop and his 73 teammates, Coach Gary "Toe" Blake decided to only dress eight players and Blue agreed to do the same. It did not work out well for Blue however. Blue failed to match the intensity brought by Green. Green out shot Blue seventy eight to eighteen. Green did not want to fall behind in the series which looks like it will be going seven. The stars of the game went to the following players (in no particular order): Ryan "Silky" Brandt, George "Dumpin" Chase, Jack "Jackhammer" Fraiser, Dave "Tilly" Tillotson, Tom "TC" Carroll, Tom "the Other TC" Champagne, Dan "Lucky" Luker and Kenny "Don't Ya Love Em Madley" Bradley. It may also be noted that Gary "Toe" Blake is a former winner of "The Bud" for coach of the year. Blue coach John "Stuffy" Stevenson kept his Blue squad on the ice (without pucks) until the wee hours of the morning. "He skated us hard", said Dunc "Coach" Walsh. "It was a hard lesson to learn. I guess we could have tried a little harder tonight. We will be ready for game six. You can count on it!" Blue fans can only hope so.

*It was noted that referee Phil Lacasse refereed his 100th game in the NAHL last night.