Cat Scratch Fever Infects The Doug

Thousands of cat lovers invaded the Capitol City yesterday for the eighth annual Cat Show. Thursday Night Hockey teamed up with Pussy Galore (a feline charity group) to raise money for the Feline Rescue League of America which provides shelter and food for stray and abandoned cats. This year's representative for Thursday Night Hockey, Mark Rudz told The Pucking Files, "Thursday Night Hockey is a huge supporter of Pussy Galore and the many wonderful things they have done for cats over the years. When Pussy Galore came to TNH and asked if we could lend our support to their cause, it was a no brainer". Irene Katz a spokesperson for Pussy Galore said, "It is no secret that Thursday Night Hockey has raised millions for their charity "Hockey Fights Obesity", so we figured, who better to lend their name to our cause?" Katz told us, "Since partnering with TNH our fundraising has doubled". If you would like to donate to the Feline Rescue League of America then call 603 661-0357 and tell them that you would like to support Pussy. They accept all major credit cards.

Rudz told The Pucking Files, " The show was fantastic! I never knew how much fun you can have in a hockey rink full of cats. I met some of the most amazing people. Some of these cats are so so smart! Some of these cat people are just precious. It is the most fun I have had since game 7 of the NAHL finals. If a picture is worth a thousands words then these photos taken by our award winning photographers speak volumes of the joy that infested The Doug yesterday".

The highlight of the weekend's events was when they awarded the ribbons for "Best of Show" in three different breed catagories. There was a huge thunderous ovation that sent many of the cats running for cover. "One little fella was so startled by the applause that he leaped straight up in the air and clung to the jumbotron scoreboard. The Concord Fire Department had to be called in to get the frightened feline down. Other than that, it went purr-fectly", Rudz concluded. Here our our three winners:

Bruins Have Edge in Game 7 Experience

Wednesday night is just one more game seven for the Beantown Bears. They found a way three times last season to get a W in game sevens. B's fans hope they can do it again. The bad news for the Washington Caps is that The Minister of Defense will not be suited up for the game. Rod Langway is a healthy scratch after to failing to register a point in this series.

The Bruins will be without the services of Dit Clapper. Clap on, clap off, Dit Clapper. It has been a long time since Dit got his clap on, but Tyler Seguin apparently got his clamped on in high school.

Dit, dit, dit, dit, datz all folks!

Gun Show Fiasco

The Doug held it's annual Gun Show ,but FBI agents were alerted by a city employee (who asked not to be named for fear of his life) who saw something taking place near the zamboni entrance that "smelled of trouble". A delivery type truck backed up to the zamboni door and four men got out and began loading a massive amount of guns into the vehicle. In a matter of minutes, the truck pulled away and would have gone unnoticed except for the keen observation skills of the unnamed arena employee. He told The Pucking Files, " I noticed a figure lurking about who looked familiar even though he was wearing sun glasses. Suddenly it donned on me. That's Hassan Bin Sobar from the Gilmore St. mosque." He called the police who quickly alerted the FBI. By the time authorities arrived, Bin Sobar and his stash of weapons were nowhere to be found. The gun dealer (who is not being named at this time)said that he had done nothing illegal buy selling to the man. "He was very persuasive and paid in cash", he told The Pucking Files. "Didn't you think it was suspicious that he purchased such a large amount of guns, knives and hand grenades?", we asked. "He said that he was an avid duck hunter and I believed him. He had an honest face", the dealer replied.

The FBI raided the mosque the following day and found this cachet of weapons which they confiscated much to the displeasure of Hassan Bin Sobar. Bin Sobar has filed a law suit against the FBI for "harrasment". "As an American Citizen (he has dual citizenship) I have the right to buy what ever I need to duck hunt", he told the Pucking Files. "They broke into my house of worship without a warrant and they did not read me my rights and did not let me finish my bud light." Bin Sobar was released from jail two hours later after his attorney Boyd Screwem paid the ten thousand dollar bail. The Pucking Files were able to obtain this photo of the confiscated weapons stockpile.

The pucking files will keep you updated on any further developments regarding this case. Stay tuned.

First Round Picks by Smellnose and Geek

It's Stanley Cup playoff time which means it's time for Harry Smellnose and Jimmy the Geek to give us their predictions for this year's contenders and pretenders. It's allergy season and Harry Smellnose has a nostril full boggers that he's going to blow into his magic hanky. So, what is your pick for the eastern conference Harry? "I'm going with the Rangers over the Sens in six despite Ottawa's dominance over NY in the regular season. Tim Thomas and his Bruins will make their defense of the Cup interesting by slipping past Ovi and the Caps in six. The Great Eight has too much on his plate.

It looks like Mr Thomas Goes to Washington after all. That's alright: Obama is a Blackhawks fan anyway.The Devils will fork the Panthers in seven. The most intriguing first round match up in the east will be the Pens and the Flyers. Not to be outdone by fellow Ruskie Ovechkin, scoring champ "Gino" Malkin shows that he can slip past a defender and down the throat of a fan faster than Jimmy the Geek can say WHOA!".

The Penquins will escape the Flyers in seven. "Sid the Kid" will rise to the occassion in game 7. For the western conference, The Pucking Files turn to Jimmy the Geek for his forecast. "Hiya hockey fans; Jimmy the Geek here. I know sumpin you may not know; Dats dis; Our old finger- biting friends in Vancouver are going to have no problem takin a bite outa da L.A. Queens. It'll be Canucks in a sweep. The Blues may be blue when the Sharks beat them in seven games. If however, the Blues get by San Jose then they are going to the finals. Da Blackhawks over the Yotes in six. Red Wings fans have reason to worry. It's a first round match up with Nashville that is going seven and landing the Preds in the next round. If the Predators win this series and St. Louis loses, I see Nashville in the finals".
Well there you go puckingphiles! We can't forget that Moe has his prediction: "Blue and Green will be the only series to go eight!"

Clown Mayhem Narrowly Averted at The Doug

The Doug turned into a three ring circus, but thanks to the quick thinking of Green coach Gary "Toe" Blake no one was injured. When the city of Concord decided that bringing the circus to town would be a good idea, there were those who thought otherwise. The folks from PETA didn't agree with the city's decision and they gathered in front of the Doug to make city officials aware of their displeasure with circus acts that they feel are indifferent to the rights of animals. What they didn't know was that one particular elephant felt that they had no right to mess with his livelihood. Rosco, the three thousand pound pachyderm watched protesters picket the circus outside the Doug. He finally decided that he'd had enough. Roscoe charged the crowd that held signs with anti circus sentiment. It was thanks to the quick thinking on one man; Gary "Toe" Blake, the head coach of defending champion Green of the NAHL, no one ended up dead or seriously injured. Blake, who was hired to work as a clown during the off season, saw Rosco getting agitated by the crowd of protesters.

When Roscoe finally made an advance toward the crowd, Blake pulled out a bag of peanuts and threw the legumes in the path of the rampaging elephant. Rosco, distracted by the peanuts, halted his charge in order to consume the peanuts. Toe grabbed the tail of the mammoth and convinced the three thousand pound beast to reconsider. Unfortunately, Roscoe had a peanut allergy and blacked out. He landed on top of Toe. Blake was rushed to Concord hosptial where he was treated for a broken pelvis and cracked ribs. Dunc "Coach" Walsh who was working at the Doug just happened to have an antidote for the peanut allergy which he kept on hand for teammate Joe "Joe" Farrelly, who has the same peanut allergy as Roscoe. The injection saved Roscoe who went on to perform marvelously later that evening for the sold out Doug crowd. From his hospital bed, Toe Blake told reporters, " I was just acting on instinct. I knew Roscoe was upset, so I grabbed a bag of peanuts just in case. I had no idea that he had a peanut allergy. I feel terrible, but I'm glad that Dunc was on hand to save Ol' Roscoe. I'm relieved to learn that no one other than myself was seriously hurt. I hope to be ready for game 8 coming up in five months. This is something I will never forget." A spokesperson for the circus said, "This is something Roscoe will also never forget. He never forgets anything. He's an elephant." Earlier in the day, Blake signed a chimp named Guy Plantaine to a contract with Green. "I saw him skate earlier in the morning. He had great hockey sense and his head was always up. He has great vision. I can't believe that he's been milling around the circus all these years without ever getting a try out in the NAHL. He will fit in perfectly on the second line and I may use him on the power play instead of Tilly.

The Road to Fitchburg Takes Many Turns

There are a number of ways to get to and from Fitchburg, but, you can never return from there the same way you arrived. The Fitchburg tourney is for some "the spring break of middle age hockey players" and for others it is their swan song. Fitchburg can eat you up and spit you out as has been the way for so many who have braved the journey. Most of us will only know Fitchburg by the songs, poems and stories that have made their way into hockey lore. It has made legends of some and ruined others. You don't want to make that journey unless you are prepared. The only way to prepare for something that grueling is to jump into the fire of Thursday Night Hockey week in and week out until you are tempered like steel. Then and only then can one ever hope to survive the road that leads to Fitchburg.
For the Budmen; it was ever so close. They could taste victory as they made their final journey on sunday morning. In the end though, they fell two goals short of achieving hockey immortality. They drove away with their heads held high up through the sun roof. They received awards for "Most Eco Friendly" for their car-pooling and showering. They shared a shower with non other than the Blues Brothers who were playing a show at the Wallace Civic Center.

For Team Bud Light; they never actually found Fitchburg. It is rumored that they ended up in Leominster. The ship captain Jim "Purple" Haze blamed himself for running the ship aground. He gave his equipment away to the crew to eat since they had run out of food. He saved only his garter belt which he ate when he reached the NH border. Hazy sent in his assessment of the voyage along with his letter of resignation. He has been replaced by Tom "Painch" Painchaud of Thursday Night Hockey. Painch is currently recovering from a triple knee replacement.

In other related stories that took place this weekend: The Turkey Pond Flyers were honored by the Manchester Monarchs. The Monarchs wore Turkey Pond Flyers jerserys and Steve Arndt dropped the ceremonial first puck. The team enjoyed the evening hanging out in the luxury suite with Max the Monarch's mascot. Ryan Brandt and Dan Lucker were not able to attend the festivities due to a previous committment with Team Bud Light. Dave "Tilly" Tillotson and Bruce Gillies filled in for "Silky" and "Lucky".

In the end however, none of this matters......if you don't win game eight. Game eight is only six months away so.........START THINKING ABOUT IT.

Fitchburg Follies

Going into game three the Budmen are looking to stay undefeated and Team Bud Light is searching for it's first win. Both teams managed only ties in game 2 and game three has become pivotal for the Budmen and not so pivotal for Bud Light. The difference between the two is that Bud Light is just trying to "keep abreast" with their opponents.

"It's not how many Bud Lights that you drink; it's how you drink em", said veteran defenseman Greg "Hernia" Fournier. The beer girls that are serving the Bud Light locker room may be TOO GOOD at what they do. "It is hard to stay focused", complained Andy "BTO" Bachmann. Meanwhile, the Budmen have been "slicing" through their opponents. As the hidden "Kaiser Cam" shows that there is a correlation between pizza and soft hands.

TC explains to Dunc how pizza has helped his game tremendously. Dunc "Coach" Walsh blamed the pepperoni for setting him off in game 2. He went after the opposition's "tough guy". "He doesn't back down from anyone regardless of their age", said Todd "Philby" Philbrick. "That guy may have been in his mid seventies, but he was taking liberties with our team. I was just trying to create a little room for my linemates", said Walsh. "That guy was meaner than Barney Colgan even though he was a little older than Barn", said Joe "Joe" Farrelly. Dunc had been fired from a job at Harris Hill Nursing Home before he got into coaching. Apparently he was too rough on the patients.
The only highlight for Bud Light besides the beer girls was Jim "Cummy" Commerford's highlight reel goal when he went top shelf where Mama hides the beer. "I taught him that when we were kids playing street hockey", said younger brother Mike. "I only saw him do that with a Mylec street hockey ball. I didn't think he could do that with a puck", he added. Stay tuned for the final results of the Fitchburg Tourney coming up on monday's edition of The Pucking Files.