Something's Fishy at White's

Carp ay diem

The goldfish are dying by the dozens each day in the pond at White's Park and no one seems to know why. The EPA has found no evidence of pollutants and the oxygen levels seem to check out fine. So what or who is killing the fish at White's? One man may have the answer. He is Dr. Lucian Pudwell, the lead scientist for the Smithsonian Institute of Phenomena. Dr. Pudwell was summoned to Concord by the EPA to help solve the mystery surrounding the carp crusade. After placing night vision cameras around the pond, Dr. Pudwell was surprised to find a peculiar photo of what he believes to be the culprit in this case. "I didn't want to believe it, but it's hard to ignore the evidence", said Dr. Pudwell. He concluded,"I am thoroughly convinced that it is none other than The Creature of the Black Ice Pond Hockey Championships!"                    

A Call to Arms

Joe "Joe" Farrelly asks for recruits.

G.I. "Joe" Farrelly is looking for a few good men. Fed up with Secretary of State John Kerry and the feds feeble attempt to secure the return of fellow citizen Moe Rudz to American soil, Farrelly is now recruiting able bodied men to form a covert militia to try and rescue Rudz from a slave labor camp located somewhere in the remote mountains of North Korea. "I'm asking for volunteers who care about freeing a fellow American from a communist regime that does not value human life". "I would stress that you must be at least eighteen years of age, be in top physical condition and willing to spend weeks over even months in bitter cold temperatures with many sleepless nights." If you've played in the Black Ice Pond Hockey tournament then you are considered a prime candidate. The pay is lousy, the food stinks and there is no guarantee that you will return alive. If this sounds like something you'd be willing to accept then call me or email me and give me your pledge of support. We will do whatever it takes to get Moe back on U.S. soil. He has supported The NAHL and Black Ice Pond Hockey for many years and we must return the favor." "By the way: We have Bud Light".

Still No Moe

Rodman dresses up for Kim Jong Un

The Fed's attempt to use diplomacy to try and secure the return of billionaire publisher Moe Rudz has failed to achieve it's aim and left many frustrated and angry. Secretary of State John Kerry sent former NBA star Dennis "The Worm" Rodman over to North Korea to negotiate a release of Rudz, but instead the trip has "turned into a complete farce" according to South Korean Ambassador Albert Broccoli. "Rodman and Kim Jong Un have taken to drinking large amounts of rice wine and dressing in drag. The two were seen lighting their farts on fire and urinating in the tropical fish tank. It is a disgusting display of immaturity".
It has been reported to The Pucking Files that Joe "Joe" Farrelly, the president of the NAHL Players Union is off  meeting with experts on North Korea to figure out a way to free Rudz from the labor camp that he is currently held in. We will keep you abreast (he said breast) of any new developments in the case.

No Moe Show

Rodman rips fart and Kim Jong Un finds it funny.

No word on the whereabouts of Moe Rudz since he was captured by North Korean forces and put into a remote labor camp. Secretary of State John Kerry (former St. Paul's School hockey player) told The Pucking Files that the U.S. is trying to reason with North Korea through diplomatic negotiations to avoid all out war with the rogue nation. "We've sent "The Worm" over there to try to persuade Kim Jong Un to free Rudz." "Dennis Rodman is very influential in that country and if anyone can get Moe back, it's The Worm", said Kerry. "We think that perhaps Jong has confused Rodman for Michael Jordon because North Koreans think all NBA players look alike."
In other news; Two people have been arrested for sexually abusing cats at last weekend's Cat Show at "The Doug". Pervis Felton of Memphis, Tennessee and Angela Hummis also from Memphis were arrested and charged with feline sexual misconduct on sunday after Concord Police were called to The Doug after receiving several complaints from show participants. A photo showing the two in the act was evidence enough to lead to an arrest. It  turns out that the couple have had a number of similar charges in fourteen different states over a ten year period.

Hummis held cat while Felton groped it.

The two were arraigned in Concord District court and released on $5,000. bail. They are scheduled to appear in court on June 3rd.  A spokesperson from the Animal Protection Group called "Pussy Galore" said, "We can't let a few bad apples ruin it for everyone who enjoys looking at pussy (cats)." Hank Popper, a spokesperson from the NRA said, "We need to post armed security guards at these kind of events to discourage criminals from committing crimes. If you post a dozen rednecks with AK47's around the cats then criminals may think twice about abusing furry things".

Moe Rudz Held in North Korean Prison

If you're wondering why you haven't been seeing The Pucking Files lately, there is a very good reason. Billionaire publisher and adventurer Moe Rudz is listed as "missing" by  Amnesty International. Moe disappeared while on a panda safari in the mountains of China. The Pucking Files gained knowlegde of the incident  from a story published in "Real Men" magazine. The cover shows Moe peering out from behind a barbed wire fence and not looking like his usual dapper self. "Real Men" is a credible news journal owned by Alfred Fugbutz a friend and former lover of Moe Rudz.  An undisclosed source at the White House told The Pucking Files that Moe and his entourage were ambushed by North Korean soldiers on the border between North Korea and China. The incident allegedly occurred on April 1, 2013. Our source tells us that the incident has been kept hush because of the political tensions between the U.S. and North Korea. Our source also told us that goverment officials do not know the whereabouts of Rudz since he and the others were moved to a more remote location since the story broke in "Real Men". "There are thousands of hidden slave labor camps in the mountains of North Korea", Fugbutz told us. "Things can go from bad to worse in hurry in those camps", he added.
Out of respect for Moe who has championed the NAHL for many years, league officials have postponed the annual awards ceremony to a later date. Joe "Joe" Farrelly, the president of the Player's Association said, " We can't just stand around and let this happen". "We need to take action and time is of the essence." Just what "Joe" has in mind is unclear. We spoke with Moe's younger brother Mark to get his take on the situation. He said, "That's my big brother out there and I can't just let our government drag their feet". "I'm with whatever plan Joe Farrelly comes up with". "You don't become the president of the Player's Association because you're afraid to take action".
The Pucking Files will keep you informed of any new developments that take shape in this story.