Mission Accomplished

A daring rescue mission to save Dunc "Coach" Walsh and the Farrelly brothers led by Jim "Purple" Haze and Tom "Shemp" Champagne along with a team of Navy Seals suceeded in freeing the three hockey stars from certain death at the hands of headhunters.

The team from the Legends of New Hampshire Hockey Committee knew that they had to act quickly because the 2011 Induction Ceremony was coming up on October 30th and "Coach" Walsh is one of the inductees. "Dunc needs to be there; he's the main attraction", said Hayes. "Let's face it", said Shemp, "People aren't going there to see Dana Barbin; they are there to see Ryan Brandt and "Coach" Walsh". Haze made a few phone calls to Washington and President Obama agreed that without Walsh at the ceremony it might only deepen the economic crisis in this country. He gave Haze a team of Navy Seals to help with the rescue effort. Based on descriptions from "Hernia" and "the Kaiser", the location of the island was pinpointed using mapquest. Just before dawn they stormed the island of Rhumboogie and a fire fight broke out which left numerous head hunters dead and one Navy Seal wounded.

"We were lucky, very lucky", said Joe "Joe" Farrelly. "We would have been dead days ago except for two things that prolonged our demise. One was that we had lost so much weight from starvation that they were trying to fatten us up on coconuts and crabmeat before they were to eat us. And secondly, they had to mail order a larger pot to boil Dunc's head in order to shrink it. These guys pride themselves on their collection of shrunken heads and they weren't about to let Dunc ruin that for them." "That bought us some time", added Mike "Hipshake" Farrelly. " I was going to get the last laugh because when they tried to boil my fake hip in their stew it would have tasted like plastic". When Ryan Brandt recieved the call that the rescue was a success, he breathed a sigh of relief knowing that he wouldn't have to carry the entire burden of entertaining the crowd on October 30th. " I don't know if my heart could handle that kind of stress", he said. "Thank God for Hazy and Shemp. Those guys are true American heroes!" The media gathered around the three survivors and pressed them for details of their story. Walsh said it best when he told the reporters, "Listen people, I just want to get back to my life and play some good solid two-way hockey on Thursday Nights. I know I speak for all of us when I say that all we want to do is bring a championship to the Capitol City for our fans. After all, isn't that what everyone wants?"

Stranger Than Fiction!

When reports of UFOs first came from the mouths of two shipwrecked survivors who were on the brink of death it was shrugged off as "crazy talk" resulting from starvation. Twenty four hours later, Greg "Hernia" Fournier and Kurt "Kaiser" Gillies are sticking to their story and they have the photo to prove it. Officials from the United States Air Force interviewed the two and they too are now convinced that there is some credibility to their story which lives up to saying, "Sometimes life is stranger than fiction". Hernia's cell phone was taken to the Pentagon where a photo was retrieved from the memory even though the phone was ruined from sea water. The photo shows an object that looks like a flying saucer. The Pucking Files interviewed the two and heard a story so amazing that Paramont Pictures has already offered the two a large undisclosed sum of money for the rights to the story. The two gave the Pucking Files seperate interviews from their hospital beds and both stories were exactly the same. They spoke about a monster wave that capsized the Duke of Lancaster and left them swimming for their lives and clinging to a life raft along with Mark Rudz. They drifted for many days and yet they managed to stay near another raft that they said was carrying The Farrelly Brothers and Dunc "Coach" Walsh. "We finally spotted land after many days. There was some small islands covered in palms and we did our best to steer towards them", said Kaiser Gillies. "The raft with Dunc and the Farrelly's was about two hundred yards closer to the beach than we were. We saw them go ashore, but our joy suddenly turned to panic when we saw them being attacked by what looked like head hunters. They were taken off into the jungle and that was the last we saw of them", Kaiser added. "We stayed clear of the islands after that", said Hernia. "We wanted food, we didn't want to BE food!" "We drifted away from land again. We began to notice large sharks swimming around our raft. At that point I remember thinking, what else can go wrong?", quipped Kaiser. " Suddenly I saw Rudz point up and say, "What the hell is that?" to which Hernia replied that it looks like a UFO. The object drew closer until it became clear that the strange flying craft was headed directly towards us. Hernia pulled out his cell phone. It had no service but, he pointed the phone and clicked. There was no way of telling if the camera was working. Soon the flying saucer was hovering directly above us. A bright beam of light shot upon us and suddenly Rudz dematerialized and then the space ship flew off at an incredible speed. In seconds it had flown out of sight. We were stunned to say the least", said Kaiser.

"The next few days left us in complete despair", said Hernia. "The Kaiser began drinking sea water even though I told him not to. Just before the cargo ship Rummey picked us up, the Kaiser was ranting and raving about Eva Braun and prairie dogs." I began to realize that he had lost his mind.
The Air Force has asked anyone who has any information about UFO sightings on September 23rd to report it immediately. Moe Rudz has offered a reward of two season tickets for Thursday Night Hockey to anyone with information that leads to the recovery of his brother Mark and/or Dunc "Coach" Walsh and the Farrelly brothers. "Friends of Concord High Hockey" has offered a CHS Hockey sweatshirt to anyone who provides information that leads to the recovery of "Coach" Walsh. Atrex Worldwide has offered a pair of orthodics to information leading to the recovery of Mike "Hipshake" Farrelly. The Shoe Barn in Tilton has offered 50% off on any pair of shoes for information leading to the recovery of Joe "Joe" Farrelly.

To Hell and Back

With Thursday Night Hockey's Opening Night just over a week away and league officials scrambling to plan a memorial service, news arrived this morning that has put the opening night tribute on hold. A cargo ship coming from Liberia picked up two men on a make-shift raft. The two turned out to be none other than Thursday Night's own Greg "Hernia" Fournier and Kurt "Kaiser" Gilles. "They were skin and bone and burned badly from exposure to the sun", said Captain Morgan of the cargo ship Rummey. "They were ranting gibberish about an alien space ship that had abducted their teammate Mark Rudz. I think they are delusional from starvation and exposure" , Morgan told reporters. The two survivors were taken by helicopter to the U.S. Naval Hospital in Annapolis for treatment. Rudz is among the missing. A Navy psychiatrist said that the "alleged UFO abduction" told by the two survivors was probably a way for them to cope with the stress of losing a teammate. The news of the rescue gives hope that the other four missing players could still possibly be alive. The news comes just one week before Germany was to hold an election to replace "the Kaiser".

Kano Names New Assistant Coach

Jeff "Kano" Cane who was recently named the new head coach of the Crimson Tide named his choice for assistant coach today. Kane's choice came as a suprise to many. He appointed Tom Walton (pictured) as the new assistant coach. "Tom's been here before and he knows the system", said Kano. "Besides, no one else wanted the job", he added. "I believe in second chances and Tom deserves a second chance", Kane said. "I know if Dunc is up there watching down on us, he would be proud of my choice. He always said that Tom was a good coach, but he had no talent to work with back when he was head coach."
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Search Ends for "Silver Six"

The International Search & Rescue Administration has called off any further search efforts for any more survivors of the Duke of Lancaster. Ivan Gerkinov the head of Search & Rescue held a press conference to make the announcement. He said, " It is highly unlikely that anyone is still alive since the prevailing currents would have placed any remaining survivors in the shark infested waters of the Bermuda Triangle." He went on to say, "We have done all that we could and I'm sorry to inform the family, friends, and fans of Thursday Night Hockey that they should accept the possibility of never seeing the six missing players again." Officials from Thursday Night Hockey have already started to plan for a memorial service at "The Doug" on Oct.6th.

. The Player's Union is scrambling to find a new person to replace Joe "Joe" Farrelly as it's president. Concord High Hockey team has already named Jeff "Kano" Kane as the new head coach and Germany is holding an election to pick a new Kaiser to replace Kurt "Kaiser" Gillies. The Pope held a special mass at the Vatican today to honor the fallen six: Joe "Joe" Farrelly, Mike "Hipshake" Farrelly, Mark "the other Rudz" Rudz, Greg "Hernia" Fournier, Dunc "Coach" Walsh and Kurt "Kaiser" Gillies. The Pope who is a huge hockey fan spoke before a somber crowd in Vatican City. He referred to lost players as the "Silver Six" and said that "they are now playing for God's team. In Heaven they will always go top shelf".

Green Machine Invades Europe

Led by their fearless leader Coach "Toe" Blake, the Green Machine has landed on European soil. Just hours before the International Search & Rescue Coalition was to call off the search for anymore survivors from the Duke of Lancaster news arrived that Coach Blake and six of his green players have safely come ashore in Portugal. Portuguese fishing boats reported seeing a strange boat just off the island of Medeira. The Portuguese navy escorted the strange vessel into the harbor where crowds had gathered to witness Team Green arrive on the continent.

President Obama received a phone call from the U.S. Embassy in Portugal that notified him that seven American hockey players had bravely found their way to safety. The President called Blake and his players, "True American Heroes". On national t.v. the President said, " We as Americans need to only look at the example of Gary "Toe" Blake and his crew to see that by never giving up and by using good ol' American ingenuity, resourcefulness and having the courage and will to succeed we can triumph over adversity; including a rat's ass economy." Blake and his crew partied with locals in Medeira until the wee hours of the morning. The names of the six crew members are: Tom "Shemp" Champagne, Gregg "Moose" Moffett, Jack "Jackhammer" Fraiser, Kenny "Don't you love her madly" Bradly, Todd "Philby" Philbrick and Phil "the Commish" Stewart. When Blake was asked if he and the team would be headed back to the States the next day he replied, "Hell No! We have a hockey game to play in Copenhagen and we intend to be there for the drop of the puck. We are going to drive "The Green Machine" up to Denmark as soon we finish a few more bottles of this delicious Medeira wine." You go Toe! The list of the unaccounted for has shrunk to just six, but as the days pass, the odds of finding them grows dim. The names of the six are: The Farrelly Brothers, "Kaiser" Gillies, Mark Rudz, Dunc "Coach" Walsh and Greg "Hernia" Fournier. Anyone with any information that may lead to the rescue of the six will be given two free tickets to a Thursday Night Hockey game at "the Doug" Everett Arena.

Clinging To Hope: More Survivors Rescued

The U.S. Coast Guard have given more hope to Thursday Night Hockey fans and family members with the rescue of ten more players and one crew member early this morning. Ivan Gerkinov, the head of Seach and Rescue said, "With each passing day the chances of finding survivors becomes more remote and more dire. Our relentless search paid dividends today with the rescue of eleven more survivors." The group that clung to pieces of the wreckage had drifted more than 400 hundred miles south of where it is believed the ship sank. "This does not bode well for others", said Gerkinov, "because the winds and currents are pushing any other possible survivors dangerously close to The Bermuda Triangle AND into shark infested waters". The Coast Guard listed the names of those picked up this morning as follows; Jeff "Kano" Kane, Ryan Brandt, Kenny Dean, Jim "Purple" Haze, Tom "TC" Carroll, Dan "Lucky" Luker, Dr. Rich Rosatto, "The Tilly Brothers, George "Dumpin" Chase and the crew member Ryan Walsh. All were treated for dehydration and were wrapped in blankets and encouraged to drink Bud Light.

Miracle Swim! Three more survivors.

As fear mounts with each passing hour as to fate of the passengers and crew of the Duke of Lancaster disaster a ray of hope comes ashore. People could not believe their eyes as the figure of a swimmer appeared a few hundred yards off of Rye Beach today. A swimmer walked onto shore and announced that he was a passenger on the Duke of Lancaster which sank more than a thousand miles from Rye.

He told reporters that his name was Dan Early and that he was the former captain of the UNH swim team. Officials from the Guiness Book of World Records say that if the swimmer is telling the truth and is actually Dan Early then he would have shattered a world record for swimming the longest distance AND at a rate so fast that it is likely to stand as one of the greatest feats of human endurance. Dan "Too Late" Early is a well conditioned athlete who plays hockey in what is arguably the greatest league in the world, the Thursday Night Hockey League. Coach John "Stuffy" Stevenson who was rescued yesterday said, "I'm not suprised because Dan has been training hard ever since training camp opened. He's a superb athlete who prides himself on being in top physical condition." The news of "Too Late" Early's feat was followed by more good news as US Coast Guard officials announced they picked up two more survivors in a life boat. Billionaire Publisher Moe Rudz and his first mate Vic Stanfield were brought on board the USS Raging Queen and told rescuers that they survived on nothing but champagne,caviar and rack of lamb. Both are being treated for indigestion. They told authorities that they had seen others swimming but felt that they didn't have enough rations to share, so....... they ignored them.

More Survivors Found

Nine more survivors of the Duke of Lancaster disaster have been rescued. Search and Rescue pilots spotted five men in a Blue Bud Light raft about 6 p.m. and several miles east of that the U.S Coast Guard reported that they air lifted four other men from a red Bud raft. Officials from the Search and Rescue team listed the five survivors as follows: Brownie, Philby, Smitty, Stuffy and Painch. The Coast Guard listed the four survivors picked up as follows: Andy "BTO" Bachmann, Clint "Eastwood" Cassavaugh, Tom "Berg" Bourgault and Dave "Greasy" Palisi. No further details have been released as to their condition.

We will keep you updated with any further information as soon as it is made available to us. You are reading The Pucking Files; your best source for news and information. The Pucking Files is brought to you by Black Ice Ale: "When it comes to Pond Hockey, nobody is on thin ice when they have a Black Ice Ale!"

Captain's Log: Lost at Sea

Officials fear the worst for Thursday Night Hockey (no, they're not joining the capitol city league). The luxury liner "The Duke of Lancaster" that was carrying teams Green and Blue across the Atlantic bound for Denmark is now reported missing by the US Coastguard. The ship encountered a tropical storm about a thousand miles off the coast of the United States. The ship sent reports of waves has high as seventy feet that were slamming into the ship and breaching over the upper deck. The last contact with the ship came about 4:30 p.m on sunday showing this photo of a monster wave engulfing the ship. This was followed by a May-Day call for help. That was the last contact with the ship. Officials have dispatched an international search and rescue mission to look for "the Duke" and it's crew and passengers. It is reported that a rescue helicopter picked up three survivors floating on debris in the wee hours of the morning.

The names of the three were released only as "Heathy" and "the Cummy Brothers". They claim that the ship capsized and sank and passengers and crew members were scrambling to try to get to life rafts but that the high winds and huge waves were making it impossible to make any sense of wether others survived or not. The three were air lifted and rushed to a hospital unit on the US Navy vessel "The Raging Queen". The trio are being treated for hypothermia and gout.
Officials have tried frantically to pick up any electronic signal transmissions that might help locate any other survivors. About two hours ago the Coast Guard received the following transmission which has left them puzzled and they have called officials from the NAHL to help decipher this cryptic message. It reads as follows: "Looking to put "the fun" back into your game? stop; NEC Arena Henniker December 3 & 4th: stop; "Indoor" pond hockey tournament: stop; three on three round robin with six player max per team: stop, $375. per team: stop; contact john@lineberrytennis.com: stop; Catered lunch: stop
One official thinks that perhaps panic has something to do with the nature of the message. "Obviously when you see the word "indoor" associated with "pond hockey" you are concerned", said Ivan Gerkinov of the International Rescue Department. We will keep you updated with any information as we recieve it.

Captain's Log: Tale of Two Coaches

After five days at sea, the passengers on the good ship "The Duke of Lancaster" are beginning to notice that the two coaches are looking from opposite ends of the binoculars. All work and no play makes Coach "Stuffy" Stevenson the scourge of the high seas while all play and no work casts Coach Blake into the role of Sponge Bob Square Pants. If Coach Blake is the "Toe" then Coach Stevenson is the "Heel". Toe Blake, last season's winner of "The Bud" for Coach of the Year has been celebrating ever since Green won the Thursday Night championship. "His philosophy is that I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy", said Andy "BTO" Bauchmann. "What DO you do with a drunken sailor?", asked Phil "The Commish" Stewart. "Give em another drink",he answered (and a Cuban cigar).

Coach Blake (pictured in photo) is in sharp contrast to Coach Stevenson who has worked his Blue players until they actually ARE blue. "It hasn't been easy or fun", said Brian "Tilly" Tillotson of the famed Tilly brothers "but, we hope it will pay off once the season starts". Not all the Blue players have been so upbeat in their assessment of Coach Stuffy's methods. "He's cruel!" ,exclaimed one player who asked to remain anonymous. "If you step out of line, you pay dearly"

Sprits on board The Duke of Lancaster are mostly upbeat as they cruise across the open waters of the Atlantic although weather forecasters say that the weather could possiblly begin to deteriorate over the next forty eight hours. We here at the Pucking Files will keep you abreast (that's right, I said "a breast") of all the news as it comes in.

Captain's Log: Sea of Blue and Green

We have been at sea for two days and all is well. Seas are calm and the wind is flowing easterly which has put us slightly ahead of schedule. Green held a player's meeting on the poop deck to discuss shuffleboard and blackjack. Blue coach Stuffy Stevenson had his players doing wind sprints on the aft deck before going over game film in the conference room. After dinner, both teams got together for a party that was hosted by the Players Union. The player's moral is sky high. Coach Stevenson grumbled that players where "getting along too well". Contrarily, Coach Blake downed a bottle of rum last night and missed the morning meeting where the league officials discussed player conduct towards the European fans in Copenhagen and Brussels.

Tom "Painch" Painchaud and Greg "Hernia" Fournier enjoy the view from the poop deck.

Bon Voyage!

Due to the recent tragic airline crash that took the life of a Russian hockey team, the NHAL has decided that it is not a good idea to send the Thursday Night League's top two teams by air to open the season in Copenhagen. Officials from the league were about to cancel both games in Europe and have them open the season at The Doug. That was the plan until league officials received a phone call from eccentric millionaire publisher Moe Rudz

who offered the use of his private yatch "The Duke of Lancaster"

to transport Green and Blue to Europe. "How could we refuse such a generous offer?", said Chris "Brownie" Brown who is a part owner of Blue. League officials agreed and took Mr. Rudz up on the offer. That is good news to players on Blue who were suffering dryland training under the brutal whip of "Stuffy" Stevenson who is determined to make them into champions. A number of the players have collasped from heat exhaustion.

The ship will leave Portsmouth on monday and take approximately three weeks. "I am excited to play shuffleboard", exclaimed Tom Bourgault. "It's going to be fun sleeping in hammocks with other players", said a giddy Kenny "Stallin" Dean. "I'm thrilled about the all-you-can-eat buffet, said Tom Carroll. "It will be a great bonding experience for the team", said Gary "Toe" Blake. "Oh my gosh, a boat load of hockey players; It doesn't get any better!", added Moe Rudz.

Holy Cow!

The Vatican announced that Thursday Night Hockey is now an official Holy Institution. The Doug N. Everett Arena is now considered an official House of Worship by the Roman Catholic Church. The Pope spoke in front of a huge crowd in Vatican City about the decision. " I finda greata devotion by the players and fanzas on a Thursday Nighta that it a bringa me to tearza. I saya to mia thata God himselfa musta wisha he coulda playa on a thursday nighta. I watcha gamezas on a utuba and say to mia, Holy Cow, theze gizas are terrifico!" The Pope has blessed the water that will be used to flood the ice on the new concrete floor of "The Doug". The Pope also elevated Dave Masinick into Sainthood. Masinick is rumored to be buried under the concrete floor at the Doug. Saint Masinick will be known as the Patron Saint of No Show. So what has all this done for Thursday Nighters? Players will now be able to say in complete honesty that they are going to church on Thursday Night. This means that they don't have to go on Sunday but they are still eligible to get into Heaven. "Thatsa nice a!"